


it's not heaven and the end is hell (but i'm being pulled to you)

by PhantomFlutist



Series: Eternal Lands!AU [1]
Category: VIXX
Genre: Depression, M/M, Suicide, death is impermanent, eternal lands au, i swear i occasionally write something other than rabin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2016-07-01
Packaged: 2018-06-10 12:49:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 24,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6957223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhantomFlutist/pseuds/PhantomFlutist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Guildies aren't just for convenience, or to keep you company so you won't be alone in your own head. They're more than that--family--and Hongbin takes them for granted too often. Especially Wonshik, whose face he's never seen, but is nevertheless his closest friend (or maybe something more).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This...took on a life of its own. It started as a cute [Eternal Lands](http://eternal-lands.com/) crossover and ended up...I don't even know. See those warnings? Take them seriously. This first part only begins to touch on the issues, but it gets very dark very quickly and I don't want to traumatize anyone. I'd rather spoil a few things than inadvertently trigger someone. If you think you can handle the darkness of my soul, then please enjoy!

The warehouse is crowded. It’s to be expected—come here on Day of Fasting and there’s almost no one around, save a few brave souls determined to collect ingredients in spite of the weakness and danger brought on by hunger. But try to visit any suitably located storage facility on Day of Joule, well, you’re going to be treated to the most traffic you’ve ever seen, people scattered and sitting on the floor with their boxes and bags of supplies, carefully mixing and creating beautiful items.

Hongbin knew it would be crowded—especially in Portland, which is a hub of activity on normal days, with its easy access for travelers and an abundance of natural resources—but he’s not quite prepared for the press of bodies, for the difficulty he has in even reaching William to request his things so he can do some work of his own.

Minah is sitting on top of the shelves in the corner again, and Hongbin nods to her in greeting even though they don’t know each other terribly well. He’s interacted with her a few times, mostly to make arrangements for trade, but it’s not as if he knows her life story. He’s not even sure that Minah is her real name.

“What can I do for you, Hongbin?” William asks cheerfully when Hongbin finally reaches him.

“My box, please,” Hongbin sighs, as if there were anything else he could possibly want from the man who’s been running this facility for as long as Hongbin can remember.

William gives a smile as he produces a crate—rose wood, delicately engraved—from seemingly nowhere and hands it to Hongbin.

No one knows where the infinity boxes came from. They’ve been around for as long as Draia itself, or nearly that, anyway. Some say the gods bestowed them upon the people. Others think it was the invention of their benevolent overlord, many centuries ago. Whatever the case, this is what they know for certain: every person, when they first find their way here, has a box. Each box is unique to its owner and can only be accessed by them. And in turn, the only people who can summon the boxes are the owners of warehouses like this one, who were born with the gift and will live on indefinitely, giving the people their boxes and receiving them back with a smile.

The infinity boxes can hold nearly anything, and though they are small enough to fit in a person’s lap, they never seem to get full. Hongbin tried to fill his once. He collected every kind of flower, every gem and metal ore. He hunted animals and monsters, made potions and essences and magic rings, and at the end of it there was still room for a bit more. The boxes never get full, which means that Hongbin never has to stop collecting.

_“Hey Kong, please tell me you have those HE’s I requested.”_

The voice in Hongbin’s head is Wonshik, a member of his guild. The other thing that happens when you come here is that you develop the ability to communicate telepathically. For many, it’s convenient to the point that they rarely speak at all.

The request reminds Hongbin that he did actually promise Wonshik supplies—several thousand Health Essences that Wonshik needs for his training and doesn’t feel like making himself. Helping out guildies is an expected part of the deal, and Wonshik pays handsomely for the supplies that Hongbin offers, but this time he’d completely forgotten.

 _“I am so sorry,”_ he says at once, because though he did actually have a legitimate reason for forgetting, he should have at least let Wonshik know. _“Taekwoon had an emergency ring order and I used all my silver ore. Give me an hour and I’ll get you half the batch, at least.”_

Hongbin can hear the sigh in Wonshik’s mental voice when he responds, _“I have an invasion in twenty minutes. Do you have anything for me?”_

Peeking inside his box, Hongbin determines that yes, he does happen to have a couple hundred Health Essences sitting around, probably from the last time Wonshik requested a batch. When he tells Wonshik this, his relief is almost palpable.

 _“You’re in PL again, right?”_ Wonshik asks. _“I’ll send Ravi to pick them up.”_

Ravi is Wonshik’s alternate, a sort of secondary body run by the same consciousness. The running theory is that some people, by the time they reach Draia, have so little of themselves left that the only option is either to expire or to submit to the will of someone with a stronger consciousness. Not everyone is able or willing to support an alternate, as the mental effort involved is intense, but they can be quite useful.

Ravi, for instance, does all the fetching and carrying for Wonshik. In fact, in the years that Hongbin has been in a guild with him, Hongbin has never actually interacted with Wonshik face-to-face. All arrangements or discussion are done mentally, and then Ravi comes to retrieve whatever supplies Wonshik has ordered and to deliver Hongbin’s payment.

“Hey,” Ravi says a few minutes later, sinking down cross-legged in front of Hongbin with a beaten-up oak crate in his hands. He’s a squat dwarf, with red hair and dark skin. His physical voice is different from the mental voice that Hongbin hears from him, a voice that he can only assume must be Wonshik’s.

“You can pay me after I deliver the rest,” Hongbin tells him as he pulls the pile of Health Essences from his box and drops them in Ravi’s instead. Ravi nods at him, flashes an awkward smile, and then he’s gone, walking towards the door while his box disappears in front of Hongbin’s eyes.

Health essences are as good a project as any for Joule Day, Hongbin supposes, since all crafting projects take half the physical exertion today thanks to the celebration of James Prescott Joule, whoever that is. With his goal in mind, Hongbin fills his pack with supplies, fits his excavator cape over his shoulders, and sets off for Desert Pines.

Desert Pines is another place that is usually a hub of activity, even on ordinary days. There’s good hunting for lower level fighters, several skill schools, a coal mine, and perhaps most importantly there’s the Crystal Caverns. Despite the name, Crystal Caverns has not only deposits of several kinds of quartz crystals, but also iron ore, silver and sulfur. It’s the number one mining location for those low- and high-leveled alike.

Hongbin takes his things to a V-shaped alcove towards the middle of the cave, where there’s a large silver deposit. Sitting down, he pulls out a pickaxe and gets to work, collecting the silver ore a little at a time.

When his bag is full—far quicker than it would be were he not already carrying the rest of the supplies needed for this project—Hongbin sets about mixing. Two ounces of silver ore, one chrysanthemum, do something vaguely magical and voila, he has something that looks like a slowly swirling mass of bright colors. Though it doesn’t look like much, this little essence is the key to doing the spells that keep Wonshik—and other warriors—alive while fighting monsters that Hongbin knows he has no business being near.

Hongbin can only make a few—though more than on an ordinary day—before his stomach starts to growl with hunger. This is the limitation: this kind of work, the magic of it, requires sacrifice. In this case, the more essences he makes, the hungrier he gets, and eventually he cannot work anymore unless the energy he’s expended gets replaced. That’s where the stack of potions he’s brought along comes in. Potions of Feasting taste terrible, but they are by far one of the best food sources, especially when you’re working on a project that requires more energy, such as this one.

He reminds himself that it’s for the sake of his work, and to keep Wonshik firmly out of the underworld, and then he drinks the vile potion down. As he swallows the last drop, the vial dissolves into vapor and floats away. Something about the amount of magic in some potions causes the glass vials to completely lose their corporeal form when they’re no longer in contact with the liquid. It’s inconvenient for everyone but the crafters who like to make vials.

 

\---

 

Hongbin spends the better part of the day there mixing, occasionally running back to storage to deposit a batch and collect more supplies and then returning to his post at the silver deposit. He’s a fairly regular sight there, no matter the day, because much of his work requires silver ore at some point in the process. Considering that alchemy and metal-crafting are his main occupations, that comes as no surprise.

A figure in an expensive tailored jacket sits down very near Hongbin, and he’d been so lost in his work that he startles visibly.

“It’s only me,” a soft voice murmurs, and Hongbin looks up to see Taekwoon settling beside him. In spite of the gentleness of his voice, Taekwoon is a tall draegoni, and both the horns on top of his head and the pale blue scales on the sides of his face and neck glitter in the low light of the glowing plants and enchanted lanterns that line the cave. Draegoni are said to be highly magical, and Taekwoon certainly demonstrates that in the skill with which he makes enchanted weapons and armor. His skill at ring building, however, is still somewhat lacking.

“I’m sorry about yesterday,” Taekwoon murmurs when Hongbin has greeted him. “I thought I could do it myself, but when I realized how many I was losing to failures I panicked.”

Hongbin pats his arm—muscular and tense beneath his hand, possibly because Taekwoon was in the middle of striking rock at the time—and replies, “It’s okay. I had an order, but I’m taking care of it.”

Taekwoon looks away with a purplish blush on his cheeks, and Hongbin knows he’s still ashamed of needing help. If there’s one thing you can trust to be consistent with all draegoni, it’s their pride.

“You’ll get better,” Hongbin tries to assure him. “Just like you had to work your way up from leather armor to blue dragon plate, you’ll learn your way through all the rings and medallions too.”

Taekwoon doesn’t speak in response, only nods and focuses back on his work. He’s making silver bars, probably for more rings, to practice until he can make them without failing. Hongbin has always admired Taekwoon’s single-minded determination to keep doing something until he’s perfect at it.

 _“Anyone know where I can find foxes in PL?”_ A cheerful voice asks in Hongbin’s head. He sees Taekwoon wince and knows that he heard it too. Taekwoon was against allowing their newest initiate into the guild, but the others had outvoted him and eventually Sanghyuk was invited to join. He’s a good kid, just a bit much for Taekwoon’s quiet nature sometimes. He already has enough to deal with in Hakyeon and Jaehwan.

 _“Just outside the west gate,”_ Hongbin responds because he’s not sure that there’s anyone else around who will be paying attention at the moment, _“next to the titanium mine. And be careful, Bob will still attack you on sight.”_ Bob is Portland’s resident goblin, and he preys on anyone significantly weak. Like Sanghyuk, who’s still getting the fox quest from Haidir, the fighting master.

 _“Sweet, thanks,”_ Sanghyuk replies. He waits a beat and then adds, _“Wait, where?”_

Hongbin tries not to let his frustration seep into his mental voice when he replies with coordinates and tells Sanghyuk to consult his map. If it were Hakyeon he would go and lead Sanghyuk there personally, but the kid needs to learn to navigate for himself or he’s never going to become a useful member of the guild. They took him in so they could train him, but if he doesn’t live up to his potential then they really have no reason to keep him around.

 _“Found it. I think I’m getting the hang of this,”_ Sanghyuk says a few minutes later. _“Okay foxes, time to die.”_

Sanghyuk thus occupied, Hongbin can go back to his own work without worrying that the kid will get lost and somehow wander onto the boat to Grubani Peninsula and get killed by a troll. Sanghyuk is saving for a monster magnetism cloak but doesn’t have quite enough yet, so basically every aggressive monster just thinks he’s food for now. The constant concern for his well-being is a pain in Hongbin’s neck.

All is quiet for a while, and Hongbin gets lost in the easy rhythm of mining and crafting, listening to Taekwoon mumbling softly to himself a few paces away. This is what Hongbin enjoys—his work is simple but fulfilling, and he doesn’t mind doing the same task over and over when he knows that what he’s making will help someone.

But the quiet is always doomed to end. This time it’s Wonshik’s voice in his head, saying emphatically, _“Shit.”_

Hongbin is immediately on alert—Wonshik rarely swears, and if he does it never means anything good. _“What happened?”_ he asks. Taekwoon has perked up beside him and is waiting for a response just as impatiently as Hongbin himself.

 _“I died,”_ is Wonshik’s reply. _“Dropped my red dragon mail and everything. Not sure Ravi’s going to survive going in there, either, so hopefully no one steals my stuff.”_

 _“Shit, I’m sorry, Wonshik. I should have gotten you those HE’s you asked for,”_ Hongbin says. He feels himself slumping and can’t help the guilt that wells up.

Wonshik’s tone has softened when he speaks again. _“Not your fault. There were fucking_ castellans _. There were like six of us trying to take one out but then it started summoning giants and the whole thing fell apart. Frankly I’m surprised I lasted as long as I did.”_

 _“_ **_Shit_ ** _,”_ Hongbin hisses. Is Entropy _trying_ to kill them? _“Still, if I had—“_

 _“Don’t beat yourself up about it,”_ Wonshik interrupts. _“I’m the idiot who couldn’t heal fast enough.”_

 _“Right,”_ Hongbin sighs. Even through all this, his hands have never stopped working, even though the image in his head is of Wonshik plodding his way out of the underworld.

It’s the oddest thing, death. You fight a monster you can’t defeat or hurt yourself enough times while harvesting and everything goes black and you find yourself in the underworld. Hongbin’s only been there a few times himself, but he can attest to how confusing a place it is. If you know where you’re going, or you simply wander northward for long enough, eventually you’ll find the gate that teleports you back to Isla Prima. But there have been men and women who get so lost there that they give up on ever returning, and eventually descend into some sort of madness.

 _“Are you alright, though?”_ Hongbin asks. He knows that Wonshik has been to the underworld plenty of times, that he knows his way back better than anyone, but he still worries.

 _“Fine,”_ Wonshik replies. _“Didn’t drop my HE’s, at least, so I’m all healed up and on my way back. The other guys say they got the bastard who did this to me too, and one of them is holding my stuff.”_

Hongbin lets out a little breath of relief and says, _“Good. I’m glad.”_ He doesn’t know why but Wonshik being okay always makes _him_ feel good too. He figures it’s a guildie thing.

 

\---

 

Morcraven Marsh always freaks Hongbin out, especially at night. It’s not that there’s anything particularly dangerous there, at least not for someone at his level, but it’s dark and silent and so large. It feels like an endless trek across a barren wasteland and by the time he gets where he’s going Hongbin is usually thoroughly disturbed.

But today it doesn’t feel so unsettling or endless, because there’s bright chatter filling his head.

 _“So I told him to go find his own spawn,”_ Jaehwan’s voice chirps, _“as I was in the middle of a training session and I wasn’t about to give it up just because he seemed to think he had better things to do than watch me be awesome.”_

 _“He had a point,”_ Taekwoon says, but it’s clear that no one but Hongbin is listening to him.

 _“BESIDES!”_ Jaehwan suddenly shouts, _“How else is Ken ever going to be able to do anything cool? She needs levels so that she is not confined to the ‘safe’ maps.”_

Ken is Jaehwan’s new alternate, a tiny, spirit-like elf woman with long flowing hair. She is the exact opposite of stocky, human male Jaehwan with his too-loud voice and his bright presence. But somehow, the last of her consciousness chose him, and so they’re bonded now, Jaehwan to Ken and Ken to Jaehwan, and his mind moves them both. It’s only been a few days, and Hongbin has enjoyed Jaehwan’s fumbling tales of attempting to deal with multiple actions and trains of thought at one time.

No one had thought that Jaehwan even had a strong enough mind to handle an alternate. Most alt-masters are like Wonshik and Taekwoon—solid, dependable, determined. Hongbin has never seen those qualities in Jaehwan, but then, everyone has secrets.

 _“Has anyone seen Sanghyuk lately?”_ Hakyeon asks, apropos of nothing.

Hongbin gives the question serious thought anyway. _“Not since this morning when I gave him a pile of Matter Essence and told him to practice his shield spell until his magic isn’t so shitty. You sure he’s not at fast regen on IP?”_

 _“Looked,”_ Hakyeon replies. _“And I’ve tried talking to him but he’s not responding. I hope he didn’t wander off.”_

It’s stupid, worrying about the kid. Even if he dies, he knows to just keep going north until he finds his way out of the underworld. That was the first thing they taught him.

 _“He has blocked us out because he is reading,”_ Taekwoon says quietly. _“But I saw him only a few minutes ago and he was quite well.”_

Bright relief hits, even though Hongbin hadn’t been all that concerned.

 _“Thank Vias,”_ Hakyeon says, ever the drama queen. He worries about Sanghyuk more than Hongbin has seen anyone worry about another person. Maybe that says something about their relationship, or maybe that’s just who Hakyeon is.

 _“Doesn’t anyone want to hear about_ **_me_ ** _?”_ Jaehwan whines. _“Ken’s gotten four rare drops in the last twenty minutes. She is killing it at skellies.”_

Hongbin really doesn’t care about Ken’s accomplishments, but the noise is nice, and he likes to pick on Jaehwan, so he says, _“What kind of name is Ken, anyway? Isn’t that kind of boyish?”_

 _“_ **_Is not!_ ** _”_ Jaehwan screeches. Every time he does it, Hongbin is impressed at the new pitches he manages to reach. _“Ken is a_ **_beautiful name_ ** _, and that’s what she wanted to be called.”_

 _“Right,”_ Hongbin says. _“That’s not a thing.”_

 _“Actually it is,”_ Wonshik puts in. He hasn’t said a thing in hours; Hongbin had been convinced he was asleep or something. _“That’s how Ravi got his name too. I know it sounds weird because you’re used to thinking of them as an extension of the original, but they were very much people once.”_

Hongbin has to take a moment to consider that (and to accept his box from Judith as he reaches storage) but at length he replies, _“Yeah, okay. I get that they were their own people. I just didn’t realize that you had any sense of their old self.”_

Wonshik doesn’t respond right away either. Maybe he really was asleep. _“I know it’s weird,”_ he says at last. _“And it’s…the longer you’re bonded the less of them you can feel. Ravi, he’s almost completely me now, and I can barely access any memories of who he was before. But Ken, she probably still has some of her own thoughts and feelings, though they’ll be disjointed and get more and more vague as the months go on. It’s a difficult thing to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it.”_

To be honest, Hongbin still thinks it’s weird. He can’t imagine even being someone with multiple bodies, let alone knowing the thoughts and feelings of someone you’re controlling as yourself. He’s glad he doesn’t have an alternate of his own. That shit is weird.

Still, the whole issue begs more thought, and Hongbin sits there in sudden silence and muses on it for a while. When he looks up, it’s full dark and there are fewer people around. Many others find the marsh at night just as unnerving as Hongbin does, and go out of their way to avoid it.

Honestly, Hongbin is tired. The past few months there’s been this bone-deep exhaustion setting in until he can feel it in every one of his joints. He’s heard of this happening—the people here don’t age, don’t grow old and die, but sometimes the strain of _living_ just becomes too much and they fall asleep and just…don’t wake up. And Hongbin has his guildies, and his work has always been enjoyable and fulfilling. But he can’t help but think that it would be nice to just go to sleep for a while. Maybe not forever, but a few months, a few years? He would gladly sleep that long, and hope that when he woke he could find renewed purpose in his life.

Because that’s the problem, isn’t it? He does work that he loves, but of late it feels more and more pointless. Even the Health Essences he makes to save the lives of guildies aren’t really necessary. If they die they only go to the underworld, and then they come back and they will heal on their own, given time. So what is the reason he keeps working so hard? So that Wonshik can stop invasions that would kill people who will just come back? So that others can teleport from one land to another, to do more pointless things faster?

 _“Taekwoon,”_ Hongbin begs out of nowhere, _“teach me manufacturing.”_ Anything to stop feeling this way. Anything to have purpose again. He would do literally anything to feel like there’s a reason for his continued existence.

Taekwoon’s soft voice floats across his mind in only one word: _“Why?”_

Hongbin should tell him. He should tell Taekwoon about the exhaustion, his misery. Taekwoon is old—older than Hongbin, old enough that there are few people still awake who remember his arrival here. If anyone would understand how Hongbin feels, it would be Taekwoon. _“I’m bored,”_ Hongbin tells him. _“I want to do something other than essences and rings all day.”_

Hongbin has a vague impression of Taekwoon making a little humming noise, and then he’s told, _“Go do the leather quest.”_

Hongbin sits there blinking for a moment. He’s heard the others talk about the leather quest and knows that he needs to talk to Tankel to get started, but he doesn’t know much beyond that. _“Wait, doesn’t this involve a lot of walking?”_

He can picture Taekwoon’s smug little smile, can almost hear it in his mental voice when Taekwoon says, _“You had better get started.”_ Asshole.

Well, while long treks through Morcraven Marsh at night are not his favorite, at least Hongbin knows where to start. He heads for the house of Tankel to ask about his ailing daughter.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahem. I've had a migraine for the past four days and not even Starbucks' crack lattes are helping, so please excuse me if there are any formatting errors. Also another warning that this story came from the darkness inside my soul and there's going to be a lot of shitty stuff happening. Please take the warnings seriously and don't read if you think this might trigger you. If you're still here, please enjoy!

_“I’ve got the damn leather, asshole,”_ Hongbin says at last. It took the better part of the night with all that walking, and the sun is just beginning to rise over the mountains to the east. Hongbin is wet and cold and miserable and he hates Taekwoon just now.  
  
Taekwoon (perhaps wisely) does not respond. He’s probably asleep in a soft bed right now, and Hongbin hates him all the more for it.  
  
 _“You look terrible,”_ Wonshik says in his head.  
  
Hongbin’s head jerks up and he looks around himself, expecting to find Wonshik, though he’s not even sure what he looks like. Instead he spots Ravi, his bright red hair and beard sticking out just on Judith’s other side. _“Shut up,”_ Hongbin complains at Wonshik. _“Taekwoon had me chasing tails all night.”_  
  
Hongbin doesn’t have to picture the lewd smile—Ravi makes it a few paces away. _“Can’t Taekwoon chase his own tail? Seems like Hakyeon is more than willing.”_  
  
 _“Aluwen protect us, don’t even mention that. It’s apparently a sore spot between them from before we even existed.”_ Hongbin shudders just remembering what had happened the one time that he joked that there was some sexual tension between those two. Suffice it to say, he will never again go within five hundred paces of that topic.  
  
Wonshik snorts. _“Sounds like a fun bear to poke,”_ he says.  
  
 _“Don’t, Wonshik,”_ Hongbin begs. _“I know you poke bears for a living but I’m pretty sure that would get you murdered and then Taekwoon would just stand there waiting for you to exit the underworld just so he could kill you again and again for the rest of eternity.”_  
  
Wonshik just laughs, and Hongbin really doesn’t think he’s grasping the severity of the situation, especially when he says, _“He can’t do that. IP isn’t a PK map, and we’re guildies.”_  
  
 _“Believe me, he’d find a way,”_ Hongbin says ominously. _“I’m pretty sure he serves the god of ‘I can do whatever the hell I want’.”_  
  
Louder, more obnoxious laughter. _“That’s Radu, and last I checked he wasn’t taking any followers.”_  
  
 _“Whatever,”_ Hongbin sighs. _“You want to commit suicide by guild-mate, I guess I can’t stop you. It was nice knowing you, man.”_  
  
Hongbin is glad that he can’t hear Wonshik laughing unless he’s actively projecting it, and he cuts himself off after one last guffaw. If he had kept it up, Hongbin could have just blocked him, but that’s such a hassle. Vias, sometimes he wonders why he is even in a guild.  
  
\---  
  
Hongbin ends up resting for a while and then going to Desert Pines to make thread, which he will undoubtedly need if Taekwoon ever gets around to teaching him. And Taekwoon does, around midday. His instructions are unhelpful; after all that, he gives Hongbin a list of books to buy and sends him to the manufacturing school in Lakeside village in White Stone.  
  
 _“You said you’d teach me!”_ Hongbin protests. In spite of his reluctance, he’s already filled his pack with gold and is on his way to speak with the bookseller in White Stone City.  
  
 _“I am,”_ Taekwoon replies. For all that he seems quiet and sweet sometimes…Hongbin knows that he’s a good man, he just also likes to tease the people he likes the most. _“You will learn faster at a school. Get through the leather armors and then come see me.”_  
  
Hongbin tells himself that it’s fine. He doesn’t mention to Taekwoon that half the reason that he asked for his help was because he doesn’t want to be alone. Hongbin is good at being alone. He’s always been fine before. There’s no reason that he should suddenly be clinging to his guildies like they’re a lifeline. He’s not Hakyeon or Jaehwan, he doesn’t _need_ people.  
  
He goes.  
  
\---  
  
It’s been two days and he’s barely spoken to the others, which is fine. They’ve all been unusually quiet, probably working on their own projects. This is also fine. What is not fine is Hongbin. He’s been back and forth between the manufacturing school and White Stone storage, and took one trip to Desert Pines to make iron bars, which he should have known he’d need but hadn’t thought of.  
  
He doesn’t mind manufacturing. It’s a lot like crafting, and that’s always been something he enjoys. It’s not about the work or the teacher or even the cost of materials that he’s not getting back. It’s the fucking silence, the exhaustion that continues to weigh down his limbs, and the feeling that all of this is pointless. ‘I want to die,’ is pointless; he’ll just end up right back here. ‘I want to sleep,’ would at least mean that he doesn’t have to keep living like this.  
  
 _“I’m through all the leather armor,”_ he tells Taekwoon, even though it doesn’t matter.  
  
Taekwoon’s reply comes almost instantly. _“Good,”_ he says. _“Come to headquarters.”_  
  
Guild ‘headquarters’ is really just a small building they rent, hidden among the maze-like streets of White Stone City. The fastest way to get there from the manufacturing school in Lakeside is to hop the teleporter pad to the west. It drops him by the path to Portland and he has to backtrack east just a bit to get to the city gate.  
  
When he gets to HQ the others are already there, sitting staggered about the room, some of them perched on crates or stools and others lounging on the floor. Jaehwan is present, but Ken is not, and likewise Wonshik has sent Ravi in his place.  
  
Leo, Taekwoon’s equally soft-spoken, almost ethereally pale human counterpart, stands in the corner with a pile of supplies spread out on a table before him. Hongbin knows that Leo’s carry capacity is somewhere in the thousands of EMU, so he’s not at all surprised that he brought a project with him.  
  
“Meeting I didn’t know about?” Hongbin grunts, settling himself on the floor with a wall at his back. It’s not the most comfortable position, but these days nothing is, so he’ll live with it.  
  
Hakyeon hums thoughtfully and says, “No, not exactly. It’s more like…we’re concerned about you, Hongbin.”  
  
Hongbin stares at all of them, sitting around him in what he realizes must be what they think are unthreatening positions. Even Leo’s fucking project was an attempt to make Hongbin feel more at ease. “This is a fucking intervention?” he spits. “Why?”  
  
Sanghyuk is chewing on his thumb. “Because you—“ he starts, but then he cuts himself off and gnaws a little more ferociously on his thumb instead.  
  
“Because I what?” Hongbin asks. Is this because he’s been tired lately? Is it about him asking Taekwoon to teach him manu? The former he hasn’t told anyone about, and the latter should not be an issue. They have lots of skills that are doubled in the guild; it’s useful when one person gets especially busy.  
  
“Hongbin,” Taekwoon murmurs, coming over to sit just in front of Hongbin, so they’re facing each other, “we don’t want you to leave us.”  
  
The earnestness in his tone and on his severe features surprises Hongbin; he hadn’t thought of it that way, that his wanting to sleep meant that he wouldn’t be there for the others. Looking at it that way, he could see that it was a bit selfish. But at the same time….  
  
“It wouldn’t be forever,” he says. “I just need some time. It’s been….” There are too many things to explain. He’s not even sure where to start.  
  
“You can’t leave us for another guild,” Ravi complains. “Who’ll make my HE’s if you’re not here?”  
  
Wait, what? “Who said I was joining another guild?” Hongbin asks.  
  
Invading abruptly from Hongbin’s left, Jaehwan trills, “I _saw_ you talking to Chanshik at White Stone storage yesterday. Everyone knows that you’ve wanted in his pants since day one, and now he’s GM of one of the most notorious crafting guilds there is! It’s the perfect opportunity for you, of course you’re joining them and leaving the rest of us to languish with only Taekwoon here to make us rings with his shoddy craftsmanship.” The end of the statement is emphasized with an over-dramatic swoon, which they all collectively ignore.  
  
Hongbin shakes his head. “Vias, you could have just _asked_ me. For one, I do not want in Chanshik’s pants. We’re _friends_. And he and Sandeul are a thing anyway. And second, how the fuck could you think that I would leave the guild to hang out with people whose idea of a fun afternoon project is 10k gatherer medallions?”  
  
As an aside to Sanghyuk, who is the only one who still bothers to pay attention to him, Jaehwan whispers, “I _knew_ Chanshik and Sandeul had something going on.” Sanghyuk wisely does not respond.  
  
“Hongbin has a point,” Hakyeon admits. “Those people are crazy. He’s much better off with us.”  
  
The others nod their agreement, and Hongbin feels a rush of relief at not having to discuss this further.  
  
Except while the others all get up and start to wander again, and begin having other conversations or go off to do other things entirely, Taekwoon stays seated right in front of Hongbin and watches him with considering eyes. “Are you sure that nothing is wrong?” he asks Hongbin quietly.  
  
Hongbin almost breaks, almost tells him everything right then, because if anyone would understand how he’s feeling it would be Taekwoon. But something stays him once again, and in the end Hongbin just shakes his head. “I’m just distracted,” he insists. “I’ve had a lot on my mind, lately.”  
  
Taekwoon is clearly unsure, but says softly, “If you are certain….”  
  
“I’m sure,” Hongbin replies firmly. “Everything’s fine.”  
  
He is such a liar.  
  
\---  
  
The next day, Hongbin dozes off in the middle of working on a steel shield. He’s only lucky that he doesn’t manage to injure himself somehow. When he wakes up, still in the manufacturing school, he realizes that there’s someone there that he doesn’t recognize, and he starts to blush at being caught sleeping in such a place.  
  
“Don’t worry,” the girl says, when she sees him looking, “I do it all the time.” Her tongue pokes out as she fits delicate titanium rings together to make chainmail.  
  
“I don’t,” Hongbin replies, returning to his own work and trying to remember which step he was on. He’s not even sure why he’s still doing this. He hasn’t found any more purpose in making armor than he had in alchemy or crafting.  
  
“Too bad,” she says. “Makes life more interesting sometimes. Like when you fall asleep right into a tableful of hot iron. That’s how I got this.” She points to a scar, twisted and puckered, right above her right eye. The very edge of her eyebrow is missing.  
  
Hongbin stares for a moment before he asks, “That’s what you call ‘interesting’?”  
  
She shrugs. “It’s that or hate my own existence. I learned to live in the moment, to stop worrying about where I’m going and to just enjoy where I’m at.”  
  
It seems…reasonable. And Hongbin is tired of trying to find meaning where there can be none. He sets down his half-finished work and gets up.  
  
“Where are you going?” the girl asks.  
  
Hongbin smiles at her. “To enjoy where I’m at,” he replies.  
  
\---  
  
His feet hurt. He thought it would be fun to go to Irilion, the second continent, and explore the areas he’s never had time to really appreciate before. And it was fun at first, admiring the greenery, wondering at the varying creatures here. But now he’s hungry and his feet hurt and he’s not sure why he came.  
  
He sits down against a tree and tugs his pack into his lap to riffle through it. He has a fairly generous stock of bread and vegetables with him and he pulls some out to nibble on while he tries to decide what he’s doing.  
  
He just wants to _feel_ again. Everything is so hard and he’s so tired but if he gives up then he’ll be abandoning his friends. He doesn’t want to abandon them, but he doesn’t want to keep living like this, either.  
  
 _“Fancy seeing you here,”_ Wonshik’s voice says in his head.  
  
Hongbin’s head snaps up, but it’s only Ravi, taking a seat beside him. The tree trunk is large enough for both of them to lean against it without being pressed shoulder to shoulder (or really, shoulder to elbow, Ravi being a dwarf and all).  
  
 _“Hey,”_ Hongbin replies. He thinks he sounds the same as always, but how is he to know? All his feelings are messed up, some strange tangle of emotions tight in his chest that just keep tangling themselves more every time he tries to separate them.  
  
 _“You look terrible,”_ Wonshik tells him, a bit too cheerfully.  
  
 _“And you’re an asshole,”_ Hongbin returns. It’s rude and uncalled for. He doesn’t care.  
  
 _“Man, here I was trying to cheer up a guildie out of the goodness of my heart and all he does is call me names. See if I help you again,”_ he scoffs, and Ravi moves to get up.  
  
Hongbin scrabbles for his arm to stop him from leaving. _“No, Wonshik, wait! I’m sorry, it’s just been a rough day.”_  
  
Ravi frowns at him for a long moment, then finally sinks back down into sitting and relaxes again against the tree. _“Forgiven. But you really need to learn not to take your shit out on other people,”_ Wonshik says.  
  
 _“I know,”_ Hongbin sighs.  
  
They lapse into silence, both just enjoying the presence of another person. Hongbin finally feels the tangled ball in his chest begin to loosen, and he wonders if they could just stay there forever.  
  
But all too soon, Ravi rises. “Duty calls,” he says in his own voice, and marches off away from Hongbin, who somehow feels more alone than he did before.  
  
\---  
  
He wanders for two days, sleeping under the stars and enjoying the plants and the animals and trying to recall why he enjoyed living. It’s all beautiful, but he’s seen it before, or things like it. As beautiful as it is, he finds it just as riveting as working these days—which is to say, not at all.  
  
 _“Has anyone heard from Hongbin lately?”_ Sanghyuk asks. The guild has been quiet for the last few days, and it’s odd that the first question is about _Hongbin_ , of all people.  
  
 _“Saw him in C2 a couple days ago,”_ Wonshik says before Hongbin has a chance to respond. _“Didn’t say what he was up to.”_ Like Wonshik had asked.  
  
Jaehwan cuts in with a sharp wail. _“I told you he was leaving us! There’s a **woman** , isn’t there?”_  
  
 _“Vias, I’m right here,”_ Hongbin says before Jaehwan can pull out any more crazy theories. _“I’ve been…familiarizing myself with the continent. I haven’t worked here much but I’m considering it.”_ He’s a master of bullshit. He just made all of that up right now.  
  
 _“Let me know if there’s something you’re looking for,”_ Wonshik says. _“I’ve spent a lot of time on C2.”_  
  
Jaehwan is crying his relief, but stops abruptly. _“Wait, but is there a woman or not?”_  
  
 _“Jaehwan,”_ Hongbin says flatly  
  
 _“What?”_  
  
 _“Shut up.”_  
  
\---  
  
He’s been sitting on Isla Prima for two days. He’s not doing anything, though if his guildies ask what he’s been up to he’ll make up a story. He hasn’t taken a job in over a week, and he only speaks to his guildies or to anyone else when he’s addressed directly.  
  
Sanghyuk wanted alchemy advice the other day, when he was looking for Hongbin. Hongbin hadn’t even had to meet him to render that assistance, and then Sanghyuk had gone quiet. He’s probably working, which is a good thing. Hongbin should be working too.  
  
The thing is, he really doesn’t need to work. He has more than enough money to buy anything he wants, but he doesn’t want anything. He owns an extensive wardrobe, all the rings and medallions he could possibly want, and several sets of armor he rarely uses. He owns one of every magic cloak and a titanium serpent sword of fire and the list goes on and on. He doesn’t need money. Possessions aren’t appealing to him anyway.  
  
But he should do something, because sitting by the fire on Isla Prima in his fancy garb is mostly just freaking out newbies. It might have something to do with the way he stares when anyone gets near, but he swears he’s not doing that on purpose.  
  
A tall figure in clothes just as extravagant as his own sits down across the fire from him. The orange light sparkles over the scales on Taekwoon’s face, and for several long minutes he studies Hongbin in silence.  
  
“You are distressed,” he says at long last. He uses his real voice, though Hongbin believes this is deserving of a mental conversation.  
  
“I’m fine,” Hongbin replies. He likes it here. No one speaks to him, no one questions his presence, and there’s a vegetable patch very nearby for when he gets hungry. Ignoring the constant aching of his joints that grows worse every day, he is perfectly content. He doesn’t think of the extreme sadness or loneliness, the complete lack of meaning in his life. He’s _fine_.  
  
Taekwoon shakes his head and his scales glitter. He’s frowning so hard that his eyebrows have become one. “You are unwell,” he insists.  
  
“Taekwoon,” Hongbin says. He’s tired. He wants to curl up and go to sleep and never wake again. He knows it’s selfish but he doesn’t care anymore. He can’t do this any longer.  
  
Taekwoon is silent, waiting for Hongbin to speak. He wants to help. For all that he picks on his guildies sometimes, Hongbin has always known that he’s a good man, and fiercely caring.  
  
“Go away, please,” Hongbin begs. It’s the last thing he wants but also somehow exactly what he needs. He can’t let any of his friends watch him fall apart.  
  
Taekwoon’s frown deepens, and Hongbin thinks he sees the hint of tears in Taekwoon’s eyes, though that could also be a trick of the light. Wordlessly, Taekwoon gets up and walks away, leaving Hongbin there alone.  
  
Good, he tells himself. That’s exactly what he asked for.  
  
\--  
  
Elandria’s temple is safety and protection. Hongbin often comes here when he needs to think. Few people wander through here and it is one of the few places that he can be truly alone. Well…Romira, the high priestess, is always nearby, but she keeps to herself and speaks to him only when necessary. She is all too willing to let him sit at one of the desks and read from the collection of books and scrolls, or to simply sit and meditate.  
  
He needs this time. The teachings of Elandria saved him once, and he wonders if they can save him again. Back then, he was falling victim to his greed, serving Zarin and seeking only his own gain. The acolytes of Elandria helped him to realize that there was more to life than material possessions, and he has served her ever since in gratitude.  
  
Elandria is the goddess of alchemy, the creator of the rich art that Hongbin now employs. She values home, love, and invention above all else, and she has done much to protect and care for the people of Draia. Hongbin had never felt so free as the day that he chose to follow her.  
  
The temple is a free haven for all her followers, and it is rare that Hongbin has need of it, but it is also not the first time. It’s quiet here, and smells of greenery and magic. Hongbin can’t imagine a more comforting place.  
  
It’s just as well, to be in a comforting place when he does this. He’s had a lot of time to think, sitting next to the fire on Isla Prima for the last three days. He can’t live like this anymore, can’t bear to speak to the others and know that they’ll never understand the darkness in his heart. It’s a fist, clenching tight around everything that ever made him happy and slowly choking the life from it.  
  
It’s too easy to put the mushrooms to his lips, to chew and swallow and feel the poison sliding slick into his belly. He knows it will be a slow, quiet death, and he eats more to speed it up, to get it over with.  
  
All is silence and peace. Hongbin feels the first pangs and has only relief. Fear is not a factor here, not since the first time he fell. The pain will fade, and the rest will remain until the end of time.  
  
The blackness comes, and Hongbin welcomes it.  
  
\---  
  
He wakes in the underworld with no concept of how much time may have passed. The stone is hot against his skin. Nearby, the volcanic river makes its slow journey past.  
  
He is still alive, as he always will be. The dim light shows him his hands, and his unmarred flesh. The poison has had no lasting effects on him.  
  
Hongbin sleeps.  
  
\---  
  
 _“Has anyone heard from Hongbin lately?”_ The question is not an odd one. They’re always losing touch with guildies, because work or adventures take them to places where their paths don’t cross. Not everyone is tuned in to the mental hum of their guild bond at all times.  
  
Taekwoon speaks up, in that quiet way he has. _“I spoke to him on IP a week ago.”_  
  
Everyone is silent for a while. That’s longer than any of them have been out of touch in a very long time.  
  
 _“He seemed…unwell,”_ Taekwoon adds. He’s hesitant, like he’s unsure whether this is something he should share. _“He asked me to leave.”_  
  
They all respect Taekwoon. Hakyeon may be guildmaster, but Taekwoon has been around as long as the very stones. For all their teasing, none of them have ever said a truly unkind word to him. For Hongbin to outright reject Taekwoon’s presence is unthinkable.  
  
 _“Why didn’t you tell me this sooner?”_ Hakyeon asks. His mental voice is strained, and he sounds as though he might be fighting tears.  
  
The shrug in Taekwoon’s voice is almost audible when he says, _“I assumed he needed time.”_  
  
 _“Still,”_ Hakyeon protests, _“we could have made sure to check on him in a day or two, at least from a distance, just to make sure he was okay.”_ Hakyeon would do anything for his guildies. It’s why he makes such a good guildmaster.  
  
 _“I thought he would come to us when he was ready to talk,”_ Taekwoon admits. He would also do anything for his guildies, he just goes about it in a different way, offering distance rather than constant affection. Sometimes that’s needed; both methods are equally valid.  
  
 _“I have to go see the wraith anyway,”_ Wonshik says. _“I’ll look around, see if he’s still there somewhere.”_  
  
Hakyeon projects a bright sigh of relief. _“Thank you, Wonshik,”_ he says. _“I’d feel better just knowing where he is and that he’s alright.”_  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So um...there's more darkness to come? This chapter is pretty sucky for a lot of reasons. Sorry. I hope you enjoy it anyway?

  
Wonshik was lying when he said he needed to visit the wraith. He was just there not too long ago and has no need of another visit. But he does need to find Hongbin. He’s almost frantic with it, and he keeps remembering the way Hongbin looked when Ravi found him on Irilion, and how desperate he was not to be alone. He can’t help but think of all the times he’s spoken to Hongbin lately, how rundown and sad he seemed. Aluwen, Wonshik hopes he’s okay.  
  
The first thing he does when the magic ring teleports him to Isla Prima is whirl around to see if Hongbin is still sitting by the fire where Taekwoon saw him last. But of course he’s not; it’s been a week and there’s no way Hongbin has been sitting there for that long.  
Wonshik checks the whole island just to be sure—goes into all the houses, including Granny Lorpak’s hut; searches the tavern and its hidden cellar; goes into the rat cave and wanders all the way to the back, calling Hongbin’s name. Eventually, he has to admit defeat.  
  
 _“Hongbin’s not on IP,”_ he says to the others. They don’t say anything back right away and that should be answer enough.  
  
 _“Did anyone else feel like he was a little off, the last few weeks?”_ Sanghyuk asks. _“I mean, I haven’t known him that long, but he just seemed a little…distant.”_  
  
Wonshik had noticed that too. Hongbin has definitely been quieter lately, less prone to random teasing than usual. In fact, when the guild is chatting Hongbin rarely joins in at all anymore. Wonshik tries to remember the last time he had a conversation with Hongbin that he didn’t initiate himself and finds that he can’t. How long has Hongbin been pulling away from them? Since they accused him of leaving? Ah, hell, probably before that. Their worries had been founded, just not for the reasons they thought.  
  
Taekwoon says, _“Many times recently I got the feeling that he wanted to tell me something, but in the end he never did.”_  
  
Wonshik tries to absorb that, tries to believe that it’s not as bad as it sounds. But he can’t help but think of Yifan, who had two alternates and was a proud guildmaster but who disappeared unexpectedly several years ago and hasn’t been heard from since. Most of his guild merged with another, the guild that Wonshik’s good friend Jongin is now a member of. Jongin’s guildmaster, Joonmyun, was once Yifan’s lover, and all he would tell them after Yifan left was that he’d been tired.  
  
‘Tired,’ Wonshik thinks, knowing what it means and that things like this often happen but unable to make the connection to Hongbin, with his bright laughter and his wicked sense of humor and his quiet support. He was the best of them, and if he’s gone…Wonshik doesn’t let himself finish that thought. Hongbin is probably fine. He was learning manufacturing and he’s been very focused on that. He’s probably at the manu school with no idea they’re even looking for him.  
  
Ravi is near there, sitting quietly at White Stone storage waiting for orders, and Wonshik sends him, watches in his mind’s eye as Ravi lurches up into standing and begins stumbling, too fast, undignified, towards Lakeside.  
  
 _“I’m sending Ravi to the manu school to look for him,”_ Wonshik informs the others. _“And if he’s not there I’m going to check every fucking place he could possibly be until I find him.”_ He doesn’t normally curse but he can’t fucking care, not when Hongbin is missing and something might have happened to him.  
  
He’s already heading towards the boat so he can get off this gods-forsaken island when Ravi stumbles to the door of the manufacturing school and throws it open, to reveal that it’s empty save for Bruno. Fuck, Hongbin could be fucking anywhere.  
  
 _“I’m in DP,”_ Hakyeon replies at once. _“I’ll do a sweep. He spends a lot of time here. Maybe he’s studying and tuned us all out.”_ It’s possible. It’s also possible that Hongbin is asleep and they’re making a big fuss over nothing, but Wonshik would rather feel silly later, when Hongbin’s been found.  
  
 _“Has anyone checked HQ?”_ Jaehwan asks, sliding into the conversation like he’s been here all along. He probably has, though it’s unlike him to listen for so long without saying anything.  
  
 _“Leo is there now,”_ Taekwoon replies. _“I’m having him sweep the city.”_  
  
The boat is too slow. Wonshik is going to cry, standing here watching the waves go by, but he doesn’t have anything other than IP rings on him right now.  
  
Sanghyuk adds, _“I’m in PL. He’s not at storage or the docks, but I’m gonna start with the sapphire cave and work my way around.”_  
  
‘Good,’ Wonshik thinks, as the boat finally touches land and he leaps over the side rather than waiting for the gangplank to be set down on the dock. _“Hongbin please, I need you to be okay,”_ he projects, hoping the other man will hear him. When no response is forthcoming, he sends Ravi to Irilion and begins his own search of White Stone.  
  
Together, they systematically cover all of Seridia _and_ Irilion. If Hongbin is there, he will be found.  
  
\---  
  
He’s not there. He’s not fucking anywhere apparently, because they’ve searched every nook and cranny of both continents—even all the secret areas—and come up with nothing. It’s been over a week and Hongbin hasn’t shown up, hasn’t responded to their attempts to contact him. He’s just _gone._  
  
Wonshik refuses to admit that he’s hysterical. He refuses to listen to any sort of logic or reason unless it pertains to _finding Hongbin_. The others are lounging around HQ, but Wonshik is up and pacing to the rhythm of his frantic heartbeat.  
  
“Sit down, Wonshik,” Hakyeon admonishes for the fourth or fifth time. “You’re just exhausting yourself. We’ll find him, but it won’t do any good if you kill yourself in the process.”  
  
But Wonshik knows that they won’t find him, because Hongbin is _gone_. He disappeared, just like Yifan, and he’s never coming back. They’ve looked everywhere. There’s nowhere else that he could possibly be.  
  
Wait….  
  
Several things click into place at once, and Wonshik whirls on Hakyeon, demanding, “What did you just say?”  
  
Hakyeon blinks at him, then says slowly, “I said that you should sit down, Wonshik. You’re exhausted.”  
  
No; too slow. They’re all too slow. “No,” Wonshik corrects, “you said I might kill myself. You said, ‘It won’t do any good if you kill yourself.’” He stares at them, expecting them to get it now, to understand.  
  
“Wonshik,” Taekwoon starts, and his expression says concern and confusion, not understanding. This is all wrong. “Please explain.”  
  
He’s never been so frustrated before. They should _get it_ already. Why is this so hard? “He’s not anywhere on either continent,” Wonshik says, and he’s not sure he’s even speaking slowly enough for them to understand him, but he can’t help it. “But there’s one place that isn’t on either continent, and the only way to get there—“  
  
“—is to die,” Hakyeon finishes for him. His hand is over his mouth and his eyes are wide and Wonshik has never seen him so horrified. “Oh Vias, he killed himself.”  
  
“He’s in the underworld?” Sanghyuk asks, his voice high and thin. He gulps audibly, and then steels himself. This kid has the makings of a warrior.  
  
But Wonshik can’t care about that right now, can’t care about the fact that Hakyeon is crying and Taekwoon is wrapped around him, pale skin and blue scales pressed against dark skin and pointed ears. He can’t care about the fact that Jaehwan has gone silent in horror and he’s drawn in on himself, until his broad shoulders look no wider than a child’s. Wonshik can’t care about any of these things because he’s already reaching for his sword.  
  
“What are you doing?” Sanghyuk asks, his eyes growing wide. He reaches out, but he’s too slow. They’re all too slow.  
  
Wonshik sets the pommel of the sword against a wall and holds it steady with a firm grip. His next inhale is deep and full, and then he pushes himself forward, shoving his chest into the blade.  
  
He feels it slice through his flesh like water, feels as it angles up and cuts through his lungs, his heart. He feels the warmth of his own blood seeping down over his skin, feels the pangs of guilt at the sound of Hakyeon’s wailing. He feels himself begin to go cold, the coldness of death.  
  
Wonshik feels nothing.  
  
\---  
  
Hongbin’s in a constant haze. He’s not sure how long it’s been. Mostly he sleeps, and when he wakes, hungry and thirsty, he shoves a handful of mushrooms into his mouth. Usually he’s not even through chewing when he drifts off again.  
  
This time when he wakes he’s not alone. He sees a face above him, elven and delicate, the brows drawn together in concern. He thinks he says something, maybe even reaches up and presses a finger to that wrinkle at the bridge of a proud nose. But then he succumbs to the blackness once more.  
  
The next time he awakes, he is cold and there are voices. He can’t tell if they’re in his head or in the air, can’t even make out the words, but they’re loud and angry-sounding and he whimpers, afraid. Someone shushes—him or the voices, he’s not sure—and then a damp cloth is pressed to his forehead. Comforted, he sleeps.  
  
\---  
  
None of them have slept. Wonshik has barely left Hongbin’s side and doesn’t eat unless it’s forced upon him. He knows the others are starting to worry about him as well, but he can’t care when Hongbin has been lying in that bed for two days and won’t wake up.  
  
“Why isn’t he better?” he asks again, like if he says it enough times it might magically make him better. They’ve tried Remote Heal, they’ve tried pouring Poison Antidote down Hongbin’s throat. Nothing’s working.  
  
“He’s getting better,” Hakyeon reminds him gently. “His fever has broken and he’s sleeping more deeply now. He was poisoning himself for weeks down there. Give him time to work it out of his system.”  
  
Wonshik knows all that. He knows that he should trust Hakyeon—if not as his guildmaster, then at least as a Master Potioner. He knows what he’s doing. He would never let Hongbin die again if he could prevent it. Wonshik has to trust that Hongbin will get better. But fuck it’s hard to see Hongbin lying there, as pale as the moon, and know that _he did it to himself_. How badly was he hurting that he thought killing himself repeatedly was the answer?  
  
“Wonshik, when are we going to talk about this?” Hakyeon asks.  
  
“About what,” Wonshik replies, not looking at him, “the fact that Hongbin _killed himself_ over something he apparently didn’t trust any of us enough to tell?”  
  
“About the fact that you shoved a sword in your chest in order to go after him,” Hakyeon corrects. “Or that you were so frantic trying to find him that you didn’t eat or sleep for a week. Or maybe that you’ve been in love with him for _years_ and never said anything, and now you blame yourself for all this because you think that if he’d had you to talk to, if he had someone he trusted, maybe he wouldn’t have done this.”  
  
Wonshik swallows thickly and watches the slow rise and fall of Hongbin’s chest. He’s been curled up in a chair next to this bed for two days, and Hakyeon has just spoken the words that have become his mantra: ‘what if I’d been there? What if he’d had me to lean on?’  
  
Hakyeon sighs and drops a hand on Wonshik’s shoulder. “It’s not your fault. None of us could have known.”  
  
“Tell me that again when Taekwoon decides he wants to die,” Wonshik mutters bitterly. He feels Hakyeon draw away as if he’s been burnt, and a cruel satisfaction coils in his gut. Hakyeon, of all people, is not allowed to lecture him on the downfalls of unrequited love.  
  
\---  
  
The first thing Hongbin notices when he wakes up is that it’s bright. Sunlight burns his eyes and it takes him a moment to focus on anything else. The first thing he manages is, ‘I’m thirsty,’ followed quickly by, ‘and starving.’ He tries to sit up, but moving proves too difficult. He whines, and it comes out as a gritty little sound in the back of his throat.  
  
There’s rustling beside him, and Hongbin would turn to look but he’s clenched his eyes shut against the glaring light. There’s a sigh, and someone shifts next to him, like they’re sitting up from being slumped over on the edge of the bed. Oh, he’s on a bed. He isn’t sure how he got here. The last thing he remembers is the temple, and eating the toadstools. Did someone die and run across him in the underworld? Damn it, that’s not how this was supposed to go. He wanted to disappear like the others.  
  
“Hongbin?” the voice is Wonshik’s. It’s familiar and comforting. Hongbin thinks that if Wonshik keeps talking he might just fall right back to sleep. “You’re awake, right? Vias, please be awake.” The panic in his voice is shocking. Hongbin is good at reading Wonshik’s voice, and this is a tone he’s only heard once or twice in the whole time he’s known Wonshik.  
  
That tone is what prompts Hongbin to open his eyes, finally. He squints through the blazing sun and gets rewarded with his first real view of Wonshik’s face. Tanned skin, pointed ears, long blond hair in a disheveled braid, and as Hongbin’s vision focuses, he meets the gaze of the bluest pair of eyes he’s ever seen.  
  
“Hey,” Wonshik murmurs, his face breaking out into a brilliant, beautiful smile.  
  
Hongbin can’t help but smile back, and then croaks, “You’re an elf.”  
  
Wonshik laughs. The sound is familiar and comforting and kind of obnoxious. It’s exactly what Hongbin needs. “And here I thought you’d stop taking me seriously if you knew.”  
  
Hongbin snorts. His hand lifts, and with god-like effort he runs a finger along the ridge of one of those pointed ears. “As if I’d judge you for that,” he mutters. His hand drifts back down and lands by one of his own ears—round, human—and his eyes start to drift shut again.  
  
“Ah, no, wait,” Wonshik says. He reaches for something on a nearby table and pours a cup of water, then helps Hongbin sit up enough to drink it. “Hakyeon said you might not be awake for very long at first, and put me in charge of making sure you got some water in you, at least.”  
  
Hongbin smiles at him, even as he feels himself droop. “Thank you,” he thinks he says, and then there’s blackness.  
  
\---  
  
Hongbin spends the next few days sleeping, waking only occasionally and only for a few minutes at a time. Every time, Wonshik is there, offering him water and small spoonfuls of rich broth. He feels a little stronger each time, and soon he’s able to stay awake for an hour, and then two.  
  
Hakyeon comes by, feeds him foul-tasting potions and gives him a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. He was afraid, Hongbin can tell. He scared all of them terribly.  
  
None of them mention what he did to himself, or how they found him, or how long he was missing. Hongbin can’t bring himself to question them, and though they all smile at him he can tell they’re all very close to shattering apart. So he doesn’t mention it and neither do they, and he gets stronger and is able to eat solid foods, but Wonshik still insists on hand-feeding him.  
  
“You have to tell him,” Hakyeon is whispering. He’s very clearly speaking to Wonshik and he must think that Hongbin is asleep.  
  
“I’m not telling him,” Wonshik argues. “Vias, look at him. That’s the last thing he needs.”  
  
“He’s healing, Wonshik,” Hakyeon replies. His voice has gentled, and his tone is soothing. They’ve had this conversation—or one like it—before. “You can’t keep it a secret forever.”  
  
“You’ve done just fine,” Wonshik mutters bitterly. What is he talking about? Whatever it is, this is an old argument, one he can’t even get properly angry over.  
  
Hakyeon huffs, “You know it’s not the same thing. You really think that just because we found him, this’ll be the last of it? Whatever brokenness he’s hiding isn’t just going to go away because we saved his life. He needs someone to trust, because otherwise he’ll be smarter about it next time. He’ll leave us first, find people to help him who will make sure that he’s never found. Is that what you want, Wonshik? To lose him forever? Not everything can be solved by throwing yourself on your sword to go after him.”  
  
Oh Vias, is that what they think? Hongbin wants to refute it, to insist that he’ll never do this to them again, but he also…can’t promise that. He remembers how he was feeling, knows that that emotional state could come back and he won’t be able to do a thing about it. But Wonshik…he followed Hongbin to the underworld _on purpose_? Hongbin knows the desperation behind his own actions, and he can’t help but wonder if Wonshik felt similarly.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Wonshik murmurs, his voice cowed. “I know I scared you. I just…had to find him. I had to know he was okay. I couldn’t think of anything else.”  
  
“I know,” Hakyeon says. “I would have done the same thing, if it had been Taekwoon.”  
  
They sit in silence for a while. Hongbin contemplates acting like he’s just woken up. But he really wants to speak with Wonshik alone, and at any rate Wonshik speaks again before he makes up his mind.  
  
“Why haven’t you told Taekwoon how you feel?” he asks. He sounds conflicted. Hongbin wonders what’s going through his head.  
Hakyeon lets out a long sigh. Hongbin hears shifting, the rustle of cloth. Hakyeon has a penchant for extravagant clothing and wearing cloaks even when they’re unnecessary. “He knows. I told him…decades ago, now.”  
  
Wonshik’s surprise is evident in his tone when he says, “Then why aren’t you…?”  
  
“It wasn’t a good idea, for a lot of reasons. He was just more rational than me, pointing all those things out. Besides the fact that I’m elven and he’s draegoni, there’s…well, things that we don’t talk about anymore. He’s my very best friend, and we’re both okay with it remaining that way.” Hakyeon is quiet for a while, and then a small sniffle comes out of him.  
  
“But you’re still in love with him. Decades later, and that love hasn’t faded,” Wonshik points out.  
  
Hakyeon chuckles. It’s humorless. “If anything, it’s grown stronger,” he admits. “All these years by his side…but I’m okay. I’m content with what I have. And you and Hongbin, you don’t have the obstacles that we had. You two have a chance. Don’t waste it.”  
  
‘Wait, what?’ Hongbin thinks. Is Hakyeon implying what he thinks he’s implying? Could Wonshik be in love with him?  
  
“I can’t,” Wonshik says. “If he does this to himself again, I…I can’t watch him do this again. I’ve fought every monster that exists, but I’m not strong enough for this.”  
  
Vias, he is. And Hongbin…it feels like a foregone conclusion, realizing that he’s in love with Wonshik. He hadn’t even seen the other man’s face until a few days ago, but he _knows_ Wonshik. He fell in love with his teasing humor, his passion, his surprising gentleness at the oddest times. Even having only Ravi’s face to associate with Wonshik didn’t make Hongbin love him any less.  
  
But he thinks about the panic he heard in Wonshik’s voice when he first woke up, and the broken smiles he’s given Hongbin ever since. He knows that he’ll probably do it again—he loves Wonshik, but knowing can’t magically fix him, Hongbin knows. If he allows himself to love Wonshik, he will hurt him.  
  
Hakyeon was wrong. The obstacles between Hongbin and Wonshik are at least as large as those between Hakyeon and Taekwoon. Hongbin will not allow Wonshik to hurt because of him. He loves him too much for that.  
  
\---  
  
Hongbin watches Wonshik work—stoking the fire, preparing food, sorting through the potions that Hakyeon prescribed—and can’t help but think that he’s wasting his time here. Hongbin isn’t worth this level of devotion, especially not after the way he hurt Wonshik.  
  
Wonshik is beautiful. The delicacy of his build should not match well with the rough masculinity of his features and the muscles that ripple beneath his skin, but somehow it does. Wonshik is undeniably elven, but also undeniably a warrior, and Hongbin cannot take his eyes off him. Which is exactly why he should not be allowed near Wonshik. He’ll ruin him. Hongbin, with his brutish human-ness and his broken soul, will ruin Wonshik given half a chance. He cannot allow that to happen.  
  
“Don’t you have somewhere else to be?” Hongbin asks. His voice is surprisingly steady, considering it’s taking physical effort to convince himself that this is what he wants.  
  
Wonshik looks up, seeming surprised at the question. “Where else would I go? You’re unwell, Hongbin.”  
  
Gods, Hongbin cannot believe Wonshik’s selflessness. Even as it tears him apart, he stays at Hongbin’s side. Hongbin will never be worthy of the love of such a man.  
  
Forcing himself to breathe, Hongbin says, “If you have other things to do…your companions must be missing you.”  
  
“Taemin and Jongin?” Wonshik says, blinking. “They’ll live. Maybe they’ll do less stupid shit without me there to watch their backs.”  
  
“Stupid shit like throwing themselves on swords to go save someone who doesn’t want saving?” Oh Vias, he didn’t mean to say that. Wonshik isn’t even supposed to know that he knows that. But he’s said it now, he can’t take it back.  
  
Wonshik has frozen, a bowl in his hand. He was about to get soup from the pot on the fire. He takes such good care of Hongbin, and this is how Hongbin has repaid him. “You’ve been speaking with the others,” Wonshik says at last. He sets the bowl down and grips the back of a chair with both hands.  
  
“I have,” Hongbin confirms. It’s not technically a lie—he has been speaking to the others, just not about this.  
  
Wonshik takes a deep breath and his head droops. Long blond hair falls over one shoulder and Hongbin is nearly lost, because even dejected Wonshik is breathtaking. “What do you want me to say? That I’m sorry for saving your life? I can’t do that; I won’t. Regardless of your reasons, I couldn’t just watch you harm yourself and do nothing.”  
  
“I’ll do it again,” Hongbin says. It’s the meanest thing he could possibly say, but it’s true. He knows that he’s not better, and that he will probably try it again. Nothing has been solved. He still feels the blackness, the hopelessness, the painful tangle of emotions in his chest. He will do it again, and it will probably be soon. All of Wonshik’s hard work healing him will be for nothing. “You know I will.”  
  
Wonshik nods a little, an odd movement with his head still drooping between his shoulders. “I know,” he whispers. He pulls himself up, blue eyes glinting with something Hongbin can’t identify. “But I’ll come after you. No matter how many times you try, I’ll always come after you.”  
  
“Wonshik, _no_ ,” Hongbin hisses. It’s the only thing he _can_ say. What do you tell someone who has just promised to follow you into death however many times it takes, even though it will tear him apart inside?  
  
Wonshik is steady, that look ( _determination,_ Hongbin thinks, _Aluwen protect us all_ ) still on his face. “You can try to leave us, Hongbin, but I won’t let you. I don’t care what it takes.”  
  
“Get out.” His voice is hoarse and choked. It’s like he’s been working metal for a long time, inhaling the fumes of coal smoke and melting iron. When Wonshik doesn’t move, barely makes any sign he’s heard, Hongbin repeats himself, louder. “Get the fuck out! I don’t want you here, get out. Leave me alone!” He starts throwing things—his pillow, the water cup on the side table, anything else he can get his hands on and has the strength to throw.  
  
Wonshik stands firmly through it, doesn’t even try to block any of the projectiles. He simply waits until Hongbin has exhausted himself and collapses back against the wall, panting. “It physically hurts me to see you like this, Hongbin,” he admits finally. His hand goes to his chest and grips at the cloth there. “There’s an ache, right here. But you _need_ someone to help you through this. I’m not saying it has to be me, but you need _someone_ and I’m here offering. I know your recovery won’t be instant, but I do believe you _can_ recover from this. Just…think about it.”  
  
He picks the pillow up from the floor and sets it in Hongbin’s lap, and then he leaves the room, letting everything else remain where it landed.  
  
Hongbin can’t help the flood of tears that well up, but isn’t sure whether they’re angry, frustrated, or just tired. He is so tired.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I'm posting this so late in the day. I was hanging with a friend I don't get to see very often and then I had some computer issues. There's lots of neat things in this chapter to make up for it, I hope. Enjoy!

Hakyeon comes, later. Wonshik hasn’t been back, and though his words said that he would, Hongbin wonders if maybe Wonshik is waiting on him. If he is, he’ll keep waiting, because Hongbin refuses to put Wonshik through any more than he has to. It’s for the better, he tells himself.  
  
All Hakyeon really has for him is scolding. He tells him off for scaring Wonshik away, for throwing things, for forgetting his potions (Hongbin doesn’t know which ones he’s supposed to take when; Wonshik was taking care of that). Hongbin stays silent through the lectures, and through being fed the potions, and through almost three bowls of soup, until Hakyeon finally stops glaring when he puts the spoon down.  
  
“You have to get better, Kong,” he says. It’s a gentle admonishment, but another lecture just the same. “We were all so worried. We’re _still_ worried. Wonshik and Taekwoon have barely slept, barely eaten since we lost you. They blame themselves,” he admits.  
  
Hongbin had known about Wonshik, had watched him slave over Hongbin’s care for days, but the news about Taekwoon surprises him. “Why would either of them blame themselves for something _I_ did?” he wants to know.  
  
Hakyeon busies himself straightening Hongbin’s blanket, taking the near-empty bowl to be washed, doing anything he can to avoid Hongbin’s eyes. “Taekwoon thinks…that you were trying to tell him something. For weeks, he says, you acted like you were going to say something and then abruptly didn’t, or changed the subject. And Wonshik, well…he thinks he should have noticed you were struggling.”  
  
That’s not all and Hongbin knows it, but he doesn’t say that. Instead he tells Hakyeon, “It’s no one’s fault but my own. I’m aware that I made self-destructive choices, and I know that I will probably do it again. But it’s not your job to stop me. It’s not…none of you are responsible for _my_ life. If I decide to kill myself again, that’s still on me. You’re not responsible for fixing me.”  
  
Hakyeon sat down heavily somewhere in the middle of that speech, and is now staring at the tabletop like it might hold a solution to this. “You have no remorse, do you?” he asks. His voice is a bare whisper, like he just can’t get it to go any louder. “You don’t regret it at all. You did this to us—left us, _hurt_ us—and you’re not even sorry.”  
  
“I never wanted to hurt you,” Hongbin murmurs. He’s been awake too long, and he can feel drowsiness pulling him down like an anchor, but Hakyeon deserves as much of an answer as Hongbin can give. “I held on for so long because I didn’t want to leave you. But it wasn’t…enough, in the end. I’m so tired, Hakyeon. I just…can’t do this anymore.” It’s a relief, to say some of the things that he’s been bottling up for months.  
  
“I should have known,” Hakyeon whispers, “that we would never be enough for you. When we found you, you were so much already, all on your own. You didn’t need us, not the way we needed each other.” He hasn’t looked up from the table, and his body language is so…dejected. Broken.  
  
Hongbin remembers the day that Hakyeon found him. He’d been in the Crystal Caverns for something like three days straight, making Fire Essences. Hakyeon thought he was a newbie and offered to teach him how to make some other things, and Hongbin had blinked at him and eventually explained that he was preparing to make ten thousand silver rings and would Hakyeon please move? He was blocking the best sulfur deposit.  
  
Shortly after that Hongbin was being introduced to the rest of the guild and there was a vote and then he was a member. They were already a respected, established group when he joined, but he has never felt like the odd man out.  
  
“I did need you,” Hongbin says. “You gave me a family, people I could rely on. I didn’t have to always go it alone after I met you. I’d never laughed so much in my life. I need you guys. But I’m also a shitty, broken person and I can’t promise that that’s going to change. I can’t stop being broken just because I’ve got people I love. I’d like to, but it’s not that easy.”  
  
“Then make it easier,” Hakyeon says. He’s looked up finally, and there’s a challenge in his eyes. “Stop pushing us away. Tell us when you’re hurting. If you need us, then let us help you.”  
  
Hongbin can’t find an argument for that. “Alright,” he says at last, “I can’t promise to be perfect, but I’ll try.”  
  
Hakyeon gives him a gentle smile, and it’s more truly happy than any of his smiles have been in days. “Thank you,” he breathes. “That’s all I’m asking.”  
  
\---  
  
 _“I’m a shitty asshole who should be thanking you for taking care of me instead of yelling profanities and throwing things at you,”_ Hongbin projects at Wonshik. He hopes Wonshik’s listening, because he doesn’t know if he has the courage to say it again. Maybe he’ll go to sleep and try again when he’s not so exhausted that he can barely keep his eyes open.  
  
 _“Yeah, you are,”_ Wonshik responds. It shuts Hongbin down mid-thought and he doesn’t move for a moment, waiting to see if Wonshik will say any more. _“But I forgive you.”_  
  
In the next moment the door is opening and Wonshik steps inside. Apparently he’s been in HQ (or near it) this whole time. Hongbin can hardly breathe for the relief of seeing him, and he realizes suddenly just how far gone he is. How long has he been in love with Wonshik and hasn’t even noticed?  
  
“No more tantrums,” Wonshik says firmly. He stares Hongbin down, and Hongbin is not strong enough to defy him. “You need time alone, I get that. If you need space then I’ll respect your boundaries. But I can’t help you if you don’t want to be helped. So if it happens again, then I’m outta here. Got it?”  
  
Hongbin nods in what he hopes is a sincerely fervent manner, but he’s still afraid to speak. He feels like anything that might come out of his mouth right now will just make Wonshik leave him.  
  
Wonshik comes over to the bedside, sinks down on top of the covers near Hongbin’s hip, and says, “I care about you, Hongbin. I don’t want to see you hurting. But I’d rather you tell me so that we can work through it together than have you push me away.”  
  
Hongbin nods again, the only motion he seems able to make. When attempting to speak fails after several tries, he finally resorts to projecting the words directly into Wonshik’s mind. _“Thank you, Wonshik. Truly.”_  
  
Wonshik’s smile is gentle and more genuine than any of the others Hongbin has seen. He pats Hongbin’s hand and seems to understand that words are not what he needs right now. Instead, they sit together in silence and Hongbin ponders what might happen in the days to come.  
  
\---  
  
The others come to visit over the next few days, now that Hongbin is awake more than he’s asleep and is more amenable to visitors. The first thing he says to each of them is an apology. He didn’t mean to hurt them, but he still has a lot to make up for.  
  
Taekwoon wraps him in a hug as soon as Hongbin’s apology escapes his lips and says that no, he’s sorry, he should have seen. Hongbin knows that it’s not Taekwoon’s fault, that it’s no one’s fault but his own, and he tells Taekwoon that while patting his back and enjoying the warmth of his embrace. It feels like a miracle that he can enjoy anything at all, and it’s been a very long time since Hongbin has touched anyone else.  
  
Wonshik never leaves his side, and it’s both wonderful and heartbreaking. On one hand, Hongbin is so happy even being near Wonshik; but on the other he knows that being near Hongbin is probably torture for Wonshik. He almost sends Wonshik away again, thinking about that.  
  
To be honest, he’s not sure Wonshik _would_ go at this point. Hongbin would have to throw another fit, and he won’t do that. He understands what Wonshik meant when he said that he would leave if Hongbin did it again. He didn’t mean that he would walk out of HQ and they’d still be friends after. He meant that he would cut all ties with Hongbin, would never speak to him again. Hongbin gets it, he does, and that’s why he’ll never do it again.  
  
When the others all leave and it’s just the two of them in the room, Wonshik settles in the chair next to Hongbin’s bed and, as has become his habit, asks, “How are you?”  
  
It’s not a superficial question. He’s not looking for a stock answer and Hongbin knows that if he gives him one Wonshik will walk out of this room and not look back. It’s what they agreed on: Wonshik won’t ask overly pointed questions, and Hongbin can talk about whatever he wants, so long as he tells the truth.  
  
“It was good to see them,” Hongbin begins with. He often starts out with something easy. It’s simpler to face the big, scary truths if he begins with ones he’s not ashamed of.  
  
Wonshik listens intently, his hand resting on the bedcovers near Hongbin’s. He doesn’t have to hold it, but the option is always there. Sometimes he needs it.  
  
“I’m so frustrated with myself sometimes,” Hongbin says, forcing himself to pick emotions out of the twisty ball of blackness inside his chest and examine them. “I love all of them, and having them around feels like coming home. But I can’t…I can’t help but avoid them sometimes. I shut them out of my head and I refuse to let myself care and I don’t know _why_ I do it, just that I can’t seem to stop myself sometimes.  
  
“Even though I joined the guild late, I’ve never felt out of place with all of you,” he drops to a whisper for this last, almost afraid of the words, “but there are times when I feel out of place in my own head, like I just don’t belong here.”  
  
The next part has become ritual too, and it’s Hongbin’s favorite bit even with the guilt that accompanies it. When Wonshik has waited long enough to know that Hongbin isn’t planning to speak anymore, he slides onto the bed and pulls Hongbin to his chest, and Hongbin clings to him and pretends to be much smaller than he really is. He inhales Wonshik’s foresty elven scent and feels the silk of his hair against calloused fingers and is at once very comforted and very guilty.  
  
Wonshik very rarely says anything about the things that Hongbin shares, almost as if he’s worried that doing so will cause him to close off again. But tonight he murmurs, “Thank you for sharing,” and holds Hongbin a bit closer.  
  
Hongbin has never felt so loved, and this is the happiest he’s been in a long while. He never wants it to end.  
  
\---  
  
“I want to go back to work,” he tells Wonshik one day. They’ve been talking lately about how much Hongbin enjoys alchemy, how he feels closer to Elandria when he works with the elements in that way. He misses the familiar work, the steady practice of his fingers, and he’s been out of bed and wandering HQ for several days now. The toadstools have had no lasting effects.  
  
“You’re not strong enough,” Wonshik protests. His eyebrows have scrunched up and he looks like he’s eating something very sour. “The poison—“  
  
“Is out of my system, Hakyeon said so,” Hongbin interrupts. He’s already pulling on his doublet, slinging his cloak over his shoulders. He doesn’t particularly care if Wonshik gives him permission or not; that wasn’t part of the deal.  
  
He’s pulling on his boots when Wonshik finally agrees, “Fine, but I’m coming with you. Knowing your luck, you’ll manage to hit every radon pouch and collapsing wall that exists. Someone has to make sure you live.”  
  
Hongbin doesn’t point out that he still doesn’t especially care if he lives, or that even if he dies he’ll just end up right back where he started. He feels that would be in poor taste, so soon after he scared the life out of Wonshik once. Instead he says, “Better keep up then, Master Elf. I have a lot to do today.”  
  
Wonshik scowls darkly at him, but follows him out the door and into the streets of White Stone City.  
  
It’s rather different, walking with someone. It’s not something that Hongbin has done often but it’s rather pleasant, even with the silence that falls between them. It’s also not a long walk—the portal to Lakeside, and then at the docks they take the boat to Desert Pines and walk to storage from there.  
  
As the soft grass of Corren Village makes way for the rocks and sand of the Kamara Desert, Wonshik finally speaks. “I’ve never been so terrified in my life, you know.”  
  
Hongbin tries not to show his surprise beyond a long, slow blink as he looks to Wonshik. “Sorry, what?” he asks.  
  
“When you tried to…when you were missing, and we couldn’t find you,” Wonshik clarifies. His voice is strangely thick. “I was so terrified I could barely think straight. I didn’t sleep or eat for days, and I searched the entire fucking world for you, Hongbin. Twice.”  
  
It was more dedication than Hongbin was worthy of. He swallows back tears and says the only thing he has a right to say in response to that. “I’m sorry.”  
  
Wonshik shakes his head roughly. So many of his actions lack the elven grace that Hongbin has come to expect in his brethren. “I didn’t say it to get another apology,” he corrects. “I said it so that you would understand that if you ever do it again, it will fucking _break_ me, Hongbin. I don’t know of anyone who’s more important to me than you.”  
  
It’s not a love confession, but it’s so close that it takes Hongbin’s breath away. The vulnerability that Wonshik is showing right now is not to be taken lightly. “I don’t want to do it again,” Hongbin admits, offering what he can. “I can’t promise that I won’t do it, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to hurt you or anyone else any more than I already have.”  
  
Wonshik puts an arm around Hongbin’s shoulders and squeezes him tight for a moment. “Then let’s get you better,” he says.  
Hongbin thinks that’s a great idea. He hopes they manage it.  
  
\---  
  
“How do you do this all day?” Wonshik asks. It’s been less than an hour. They’re sitting by the sulfur deposit in Crystal Caverns while Hongbin mixes Fire Essence, and Wonshik has spent the whole time fidgeting.  
  
Hongbin doesn’t stop working. “If you don’t like it, you don’t have to sit with me,” he points out. He’s really alright, at least for now. He feels lighter than before, and focusing on work helps. He’s not going to commit suicide in the immediate future.  
  
Wonshik shakes his head adamantly and pale blond hairs scatter from his braid. “Someone has to look after your sorry butt,” he mutters.  
  
A dark-haired gnome looks over at them and raises an eyebrow, and Hongbin rolls his eyes in response. Wonshik doesn’t seem to notice, and goes back to complaining about his boredom and ‘this is why I’m a warrior, damn it.’  
  
“Go kill some spiders or something,” Hongbin suggests, frustrated beyond belief. “I’ll holler if I’m in immediate danger of dying.”  
  
Wonshik huffs, remarks that ‘spiders are _boring_ ,’ but ultimately gets up and wanders away. “You’d better actually tell me if you need something!” he calls as he goes.  
  
Hongbin waves an absent, gloved hand at him and goes back to work, chuckling a bit at Wonshik’s antics. They must be doing better if Wonshik is no longer hovering at his side and handling him with kid gloves.  
  
“Overprotective boyfriend?” the gnome asks in a high, sweet voice. She has a friendly face, which is entirely typical of gnomes, but it’s so nice to be outside the walls of HQ and _seeing_ people that Hongbin finds it refreshing just the same.  
  
He lets out a chuckle and says, “Something like that.” In truth he’s not certain what he and Wonshik are at this point, but they’ve certainly shared too much to be mere acquaintances anymore.  
  
Eventually, Hongbin runs out of supplies. _“I’m going back to storage,”_ he tells Wonshik, and then gets up and starts walking.  
  
Wonshik meets him at the cave entrance with a scowl on his face. “No fair taking off without me,” he complains.  
  
“At least I told you I was going,” Hongbin retorts, stepping out of the cave and into the bright afternoon sun. He has to squint against the light, but it’s better than it was when he first awoke. He can almost forget that anything happened.  
  
Almost, except that he runs into Chanshik at storage.  
  
“Hey, Hongbin!” Chanshik calls, waving across the sparsely-populated room. It’s unusually quiet today, so it just figures that someone Hongbin knows would be here.  
  
Hongbin retrieves his box and goes to sit down near Chanshik. “Hey,” he replies. “What’s up?”  
  
Chanshik gives him a slightly sheepish smile and scratches the back of his head. “Sandeul’s ignoring me,” he admits. “I was supposed to meet him, but then I got really into my project and…yeah, so he’s angry. How are you? You haven’t been around in a while, it seems like.”  
  
Hongbin makes a show of shrugging like it’s not a big deal. He likes Chanshik, but he doesn’t feel comfortable sharing his demons with all of Draia. “Had some shit to work through,” he says, trying to sound nonchalant. “Spent a lot of time with my guild.” It’s all true without revealing too much. Chanshik doesn’t need to know about the suicide, or the subsequent recovery period.  
  
Chanshik nods sympathetically and asks, “You’re doing okay now, though?” At Hongbin’s affirmation he moves on, shifting his attention to other matters, such as, “And who is this?”  
  
Hongbin glances where Chanshik’s looking and realizes, oh, Wonshik has settled at his side, completely comfortable with his hand resting inexplicably on Hongbin’s knee. “This is Wonshik,” Hongbin says, and then to be polite adds, “Wonshik, this is Chanshik.”  
  
“The elusive Wonshik, the one whose face you’d never seen?” Chanshik asks, affecting a faux-awestruck expression. “Am I even worthy to be in the same _room_ as such a legend?”  
  
Hongbin reaches out and shoves him, hard. “Shut the fuck up,” he scolds. For some reason, the fact that he’s talked about Wonshik to people outside the guild is embarrassing. He can feel his face flaming and he resolutely does not look at Wonshik.  
  
Wonshik just pats his knee and says teasingly, “You talk about me to other people? Aw, Kong, I didn’t know you cared!”  
  
It causes Chanshik to laugh and makes Hongbin relax a bit. They’re teasing because they’re his friends, but they truly don’t mean anything by it. There’s no judgment here. Hongbin lets himself laugh along.  
  
They don’t stay long. Chanshik has work that they’re distracting him from, and Hongbin has his own project to finish. As they walk back to Crystal Caverns, Wonshik asks, “So why didn’t you join his guild?”  
  
Hongbin hums in acknowledgment while he considers the question. “I was already in a guild when he asked, for one,” he replies. “But also…those guys are all great, and I get along with them, but they’re not my family, you know? It would never be the same.”  
  
Wonshik is silent for a while as he digests that. His face is very solemn, and Hongbin is glad that he gave a serious answer. “I’m glad you joined us,” Wonshik murmurs. “I’m glad you stayed.” Following his confession there’s a beat of silence, and then his face breaks out into a huge grin and he adds, “Besides, what would you do with that many crafters? Just swim around in your piles of gold and gems all day?”  
  
Hongbin laughs and agrees that that would be awful. He’s glad to be with Wonshik like this. He thinks he understands Hakyeon a little better now—even just being beside the man he loves is enough for him. Even if they’re only friends he doesn’t care as long as Wonshik is still speaking to him. But being beside Wonshik, seeing him every day like this—Hongbin thinks that he could get greedy very fast. It’s too easy to want more, to want things that Wonshik might not be willing to give.  
  
But Hongbin won’t ask any more of Wonshik. He’s done enough already, more than Hongbin deserves. He’s lucky just to have Wonshik in his life.  
  
\---  
  
“It’s nightfall, let’s go,” Wonshik says, standing over Hongbin and kicking dirt at him.  
  
Hongbin frowns and brushes the dirt off his doublet. “Calm down,” he complains. “Let me finish this stack, at least.”  
  
Wonshik heaves what claims to be a very put-upon sigh and sits down, leaning his shoulder heavily into Hongbin’s back. It’s actually kind of nice, the solidity of Wonshik’s body pressing between his shoulder blades, and Hongbin lets out a little content noise and relaxes into it, letting Wonshik hold him up while he finishes his work.  
  
The silence that falls is comfortable. They’re so used to one another after Hongbin’s weeks of recovery that it’s like they’re completely alone even when they’re together. Hongbin doesn’t mind it, doesn’t mind having someone there all the time.  
  
“How are you?” Wonshik asks after a while. It’s quiet enough that Hongbin could pretend he hadn’t heard, if he wanted.  
  
But he doesn’t. He takes a breath and says, “Better, actually. Working has helped. It feels good to be here, to wear these gloves again, to use my skills. I think the last time I did alchemy was…,” he pauses to remember, staring at an uninteresting rock a bit above his head, “when you ordered 2k HE’s and I forgot. It was Day of Joule, and there was an invasion, remember?”  
  
He feels Wonshik shift behind him, but he doesn’t speak. Hongbin refocuses on his work and continues. “Three Castellans, you said. Like Entropy’s goal was actually to kill us all. I’d never heard of there being that many in one invasion. It must have been chaos there; I can’t even imagine.” He leans a little more firmly back into Wonshik, hears him hum in reply.  
  
“I remember the moment of panic when you started cursing in my head. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you rarely swear unless you’re really upset. So when I heard you say ‘shit’ so emphatically I knew something was really wrong and I started thinking up worst case scenarios in my head.  
  
“The dumb thing was, that literally _was_ the worst case scenario.” He laughs a little dryly. Wonshik doesn’t join in. “You died, you lost your armor, but you’re fine now. No lasting effects, Taemin picked up your stuff, everything’s fine. So why did ice go down my spine when you said that? Why did I ache at the thought of your death when the thought of my own just makes me feel relieved?” It’s too much. Wonshik’s going to leave again.  
  
He doesn’t. Instead, he jostles Hongbin a bit with his shoulder and replies, “Now you know how I feel. Imagine feeling that and knowing that I did it to myself because I just didn’t want to live anymore.”  
  
Cold dread fills Hongbin, followed by a damning rush of guilt. “I’m so sorry,” he whispers.  
  
“I know you are,” Wonshik replies. His hand comes up, and he twists until his chest is pressed to Hongbin’s back, his arm wrapped around Hongbin’s shoulders. He’s quiet, but his breath is steady on Hongbin’s neck.  
  
Hongbin almost doesn’t want to finish his work, doesn’t want to have to get up and make the long walk back to HQ. He wants to stay here forever, like this, with Wonshik. But he promised himself he wouldn’t ask for anything Wonshik wasn’t willing to give, so he finishes up, tucks his things away, and pulls gently from Wonshik’s embrace.  
  
“Let’s go home,” he tells Wonshik, and for once doesn’t have to fake the smile on his face.  
  
\---  
  
For the past however-many weeks, Wonshik has been sleeping either in the harsh wooden chair at Hongbin’s bedside or sitting on the floor with his back against a wall. Hongbin knows there’s only one bed in HQ (they’re all wanderers and usually sleep elsewhere) but there’s really no reason for Wonshik to suffer.  
  
“You don’t have to sleep on the floor, you know,” he says more casually than he feels.  
  
Wonshik pauses with his hat in his hand and stares at Hongbin for a moment. “Where else would I sleep?” he asks, as if it’s not obvious.  
  
Blushing, Hongbin finishes pulling off his doublet and throws back the hastily-made sheets. “There’s room for two,” he says quietly.  
  
Wonshik’s mouth makes a perfect little ‘O’ of astonishment, and then he seems to gather himself, sets his hat down on the table, and swallows audibly. “Oh,” he says, and it sounds choked, “alright then.”  
  
Hongbin tries to smile at him as he slips under the covers, divested of his boots and doublet and wearing only his pants and shirt. This is completely innocent, he tells himself. He’s done the same thing with Hakyeon and Taekwoon and Jaehwan on multiple occasions. It’s fine.  
  
Wonshik nods decisively, almost to himself, and then removes his vest and boots and climbs into the bed beside Hongbin.  
  
The brief glimpse that he gets of Wonshik’s bare torso—hard-chiseled from countless hours of combat training—is enough to make Hongbin a bit light-headed. He may have fallen for Wonshik’s personality, but his appearance is certainly nothing to complain about.  
  
Maybe Wonshik noticed that Hongbin’s breath has sped up, because he asks, “Are you okay?”  
  
Hongbin manages to nod at a normal speed. “I’m alright,” he replies. He didn’t realize just how _close_ they would be. He can feel Wonshik’s body heat on his skin, even through the fabric of his shirt. Vias, but Hongbin is so smitten.  
  
Inexplicably, Wonshik shifts and then throws his arm across Hongbin’s waist. They’re even closer like this, Wonshik’s breath puffing against Hongbin’s neck with every exhale.  
  
Hongbin can feel the press of hard muscles against his own. He focuses on slowing his breath, relaxing into Wonshik’s hold. This is fine. Everything is fine, and Hongbin is not going to get hard just from being in close proximity to Wonshik.  
  
“Night,” Wonshik mumbles, and within minutes he’s snoring softly in Hongbin’s ear.  
  
Without the risk of Wonshik noticing, it’s a lot easier to tuck himself against Wonshik’s chest, to hold him close and breathe him in and pretend that Hongbin isn’t a coward and a fool.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Never drink. I had way too much last night and now my blood sugar is messed up and I feel terrible. Who even drinks on Monday night? Me apparently. Sorry. Anyway, this chapter has stuff and things. We're nearing the end, but Hongbin isn't better yet. Please enjoy.

They go off to work again the next day. Hongbin is determined to stock up on everything before he starts taking jobs again, so it’s Water Essence today, which means the sapphire cave in Portland. It’s a blessedly short walk from HQ and they have just enough time to enjoy the fresh air before they’re stuck inside for the rest of the day.  
  
Unfortunately, there’s even less for Wonshik to do here than there was in Crystal Caverns. A couple of rats and a small spider are not enough to keep him occupied. He spends the first hour fidgeting, the second hour complaining, and by the third Hongbin is about ready to impale him with a pickaxe.  
  
“Walk away,” he says quietly after Wonshik has let out another variation on ‘why do you _do_ this?’ He takes a deep breath and lets it out, and when Wonshik has yet to go, he repeats, “If I have to look at you any longer I’m going to resort to murder. I am _trying to do my job_ , Wonshik, so just walk away. Find something else to do for a while.”  
  
“But what if you need me?” Wonshik protests. He draws his braid over his shoulder and starts playing with it, and he looks so petulant it makes Hongbin sick. Clearly, even love has its limits. He thought he was okay spending this much time with Wonshik, but evidently not.  
  
“I’ll call if I need you,” Hongbin promises. “So please get out of my sight.”  
  
He watches Wonshik go with a regretful sort of pleasure. On the one hand, relief from the constant complaining is great. On the other, he can’t help but notice the dejected slump of Wonshik’s shoulders as he walks.  
  
He goes back to work with extra ferocity. It’s a good thing that he doesn’t need the sapphires to look nice for Water Essence, because half of them he manages to break into unrecognizable shards. The other half are gouged by his pickaxe and Hongbin can’t bring himself to care. Elandria, but he loves Wonshik, and maybe that’s why it hurts so much that he sent him away.  
  
“It doesn’t make any sense,” he mumbles to himself, tossing a few more broken gems into his open bag. “I asked him to go and he did. So why am I angry?” He hits the rock more fiercely on the next stroke, frustrated with himself. He doesn’t recognize the loud cracking sound for what it is until he sees the cavern wall starting to collapse above him.  
  
 _“Wonshik!”_ he projects, just before the blackness takes him.  
  
\---  
  
When Hongbin comes to, Wonshik is screaming in his ear—no, his head. The voice is loud and covers everything else, so it takes a moment for Hongbin to even realize where he is. But the unbearable heat and the molten river in front of him are rather unique, and Hongbin has been here enough times to know by now: he’s in the underworld.  
  
 _“Hongbin!”_ Wonshik is still yelling, _“Talk to me, please.”_  
  
Hongbin takes a deep breath to steady himself and takes stock of his condition. _“I’m alright,”_ he responds at last. _“Cavern wall got me, I saw it too late. I dropped my harvester medallion.”_  
  
 _“I know. I found it.”_ Even Wonshik’s mental voice is wrecked. _“Vias, Hongbin, I thought….”_  
  
Hongbin knows what he thought. He gets up and starts walking north. _“I’m sorry,”_ he says sincerely. _“I didn’t mean to scare you.”_ And that’s what it comes down to now, isn’t it? He doesn’t want to live but he doesn’t want to hurt the people he loves either.  
  
 _“Just…Aluwen help me, Hongbin, if this happens again….”_ This time when he trails off, Hongbin knows it’s a warning, one that he can’t abide.  
  
 _“This is my_ job _, Wonshik. I can’t just stop doing it because there are hazards. How would you feel if I asked you to stop fighting in invasions just because it was dangerous?”_ He knows his point is solid. He also knows that Wonshik will probably try to argue it anyway.  
  
Right on time, Wonshik responds, _“That’s not the same thing.”_  
  
 _“Unicorn dung,”_ Hongbin shoots back. _“No fair applying different standards to us. We both have jobs, they both have risks. That’s life.”_  
  
Sounding disgruntled, Wonshik says, _“I’ll meet you at the beam. Don’t go anywhere until I get there.”_  
  
He doesn’t have to worry though. By the time Hongbin walks through the gate and is teleported out of the underworld, Wonshik is already there by the fire waiting for him.  
  
“Sorry,” Hongbin mumbles, stepping up to him.  
  
Wonshik pulls Hongbin into his arms and presses Hongbin’s face to his shoulder. Like this, it’s easy to tell that Hongbin is just a tiny bit taller. “Vias, Hongbin, you scared the life out of me,” Wonshik says.  
  
“I know,” Hongbin mumbles, letting Wonshik pretend that he’s the bigger one and pressing his face into Wonshik’s neck.  
  
“Which is why it’s never going to happen again,” Wonshik adds decisively. Hongbin tries to pull back so he can argue, but Wonshik has already extracted something from his pack and settles it atop Hongbin’s wispy brown hair. It’s heavy and round, but not a hat.  
  
Hongbin tugs it from his head and stares at the circlet of gold inset with gems. “A crown of life?” he asks dumbly.  
  
“Yes, stupid,” Wonshik says, pulling it from his hands and pressing it back onto his head. “So you don’t keep dying every time a cavern wall falls on you. Oh, and that reminds me,” he waves his hand and Hongbin feels his remaining wounds close up and fade, the tingle of healing magic settling over his skin.  
  
“Where did you even get a crown of life?” Hongbin asks. He knows how pricey these things are. They’re a pain to make, which is why he’s never done it.  
  
Wonshik shrugs as if it’s no big deal. “Had it lying around. Used to use it myself until I got a red dragon helm of life and mana. Sorry it’s a little broken; it’s been through a lot.”  
  
Hongbin hadn’t even noticed. If anything it’s a bit of a thrill that this is something that Wonshik has spent a lot of time wearing. “I don’t mind,” he insists. He’s honestly too busy trying to push back the shock and bubbling elation to worry about _that_.  
  
“Good,” Wonshik says, nodding firmly. “Back to work then?”  
  
“Yeah, let’s go,” Hongbin replies, and they do.  
  
To his credit, Wonshik doesn’t speak one complaining word for the rest of the day, and he never leaves Hongbin’s side.  
  
\---  
  
It’s been five days since the wall incident. Hongbin spent the day making Energy essence, sitting at the iron deposit in Crystal Caverns and mixing them one after another. Though at first it was odd to be back at work, now he’s just grateful for the familiar routines.  
  
Wonshik, however, is clearly bored. He doesn’t complain out loud anymore, but he does spend a lot of time fidgeting. He refuses to walk away from Hongbin for any reason, and Hongbin knows that it’s starting to wear on him.  
  
So when they get into HQ, when Wonshik has shed his boots and hat and slumped into a chair beside the fire, Hongbin says quietly, “I think you should go back to work too.”  
  
Wonshik’s head snaps up and he stares at Hongbin like he’s suddenly become Orchan. “What about you?” he asks. “I can’t just leave you by yourself.”  
  
Hongbin sighs and sinks down onto the edge of the bed, leaning his elbows on his knees and staring at his hands. He _likes_ having Wonshik around all the time, but it’s not healthy for either of them. “I did it before,” he reminds Wonshik. “And I’m not asking you to leave me alone forever. I’m asking you to go back to doing what you love.”  
  
He hears a long sigh and when he looks up Wonshik is rubbing his hands over his face. “I just…I don’t know if I can,” he admits. “Every time I walk away from you, something horrible happens. And I don’t know if I’ll be able to concentrate on invasions if I’m worrying about you.”  
  
Hongbin knows that Wonshik’s concerns are valid. He hasn’t really done anything to assuage those fears and he admits that. But still…he wants Wonshik to have his own life. Hongbin never meant to take away the things that make him happy. “At least go back to training or something?” he asks. “It’s not that I don’t want you with me; I just don’t want to hold you back.”  
  
“It’s not holding me back if I offered to stay, Hongbin,” Wonshik says quietly.  
  
Hongbin doesn’t have an answer to that, so he stays silent.  
  
After a while, Wonshik turns to stare into the fire and asks, “How are you?”  
  
“I’m feeling unworthy, right now,” Hongbin admits. This has gotten easier. Life hasn’t, necessarily, but the talking has. Hongbin feels less overwhelmed and broken when he talks with Wonshik. It’s like Wonshik takes some of the exhaustion from him. “I’m this stupid, broken person who hasn’t done anything to deserve everything you’ve done for me, but you keep doing it anyway. In fact, I’ve terrified and hurt you so often that I’m not sure why you even care anymore.  
  
“And yet I wake up every morning and you’re still there.” He swallows through a suddenly tight throat as he thinks of Wonshik’s face first thing in the morning—drool at the corner of his mouth and lines pressed into his cheek from the pillow and hair a tangled mess but still somehow utterly gorgeous. “I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve to feel this way about anyone. I just…Vias, I wanted to die for so long, I still want to die sometimes, but I see your face and something in here,” he presses a hand to his chest, where the messed-up ball of tangled emotions resides, “tells me that maybe loving you is reason enough to live on.”  
  
Wonshik gapes. It was too much. It was all of Hongbin’s secrets and he shouldn’t have said it but it’s out there now and all Wonshik can do is stare at him.  
  
Then Wonshik is up, is crossing the room in two long strides and pulling Hongbin up into a kiss. He’s stroking his hands through Hongbin’s short hair and pulling him closer until they’re pressed together chest to knee. His skin is warm against Hongbin’s, his lips slick and slightly rough and Hongbin thinks he might be melting.  
  
“I’m an idiot,” Wonshik says when they part for breath. Hongbin is inclined to agree. They should have been doing that a long time ago. “I kept telling myself that it didn’t matter, that loving you was just going to make things worse. But it doesn’t, does it?”  
  
Hongbin shakes his head minutely. He doesn’t want to move too much, to ruin the comingling of their breaths. “It isn’t going to magically fix me, either,” he admits, to be sure that Wonshik has realized it. Right now Hongbin can’t remember why he thought this was a bad idea.  
  
“I know,” Wonshik agrees. “But I can love you and still help you at the same time, right?” He presses their foreheads together, bringing them impossibly closer.  
  
Hongbin shudders and has to whisper, “Say that again.”  
  
“Say what again?” Wonshik smirks a little, the bastard, and then sobers and presses a gentle kiss to Hongbin’s swollen lips. “I love you.”  
  
Another shiver, and Hongbin presses a kiss back. “I love you,” he says, and feels the thrill of it run through him like the zing of an Energy Essence. Vias, he should have done this sooner.  
  
\---  
  
When he wakes the next morning the bed beside him is still warm but the second body is gone. Disgruntled, he opens his eyes to see Wonshik staring thoughtfully into the fire as he re-braids his long hair.  
  
“Hey,” Hongbin murmurs, trying not to startle him.  
  
Wonshik jerks a little anyway and turns sheepishly to face him. “Sorry,” he mutters. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”  
  
“You didn’t,” Hongbin assures him. It was more likely his absence that woke Hongbin, but it doesn’t matter. “Why are you up so early?”  
  
Wonshik squares his shoulders and says, “I’m going back to work today. I…hope that’s okay.”  
  
Hongbin’s face slips easily into a smile and he slides from the bed so he can wrap his arms around Wonshik’s waist and lay a lingering, open-mouthed kiss on the side of his neck. “I’m glad,” he says sincerely. “I mean, I’ll miss being able to ogle these biceps all day,” he slides his hands up to squeeze the muscles in question, exposed as they are in the vest Wonshik wears. “But one must make sacrifices for the greater good.”  
  
Blushing, Wonshik weaves his hand through the hair at the back of Hongbin’s head and just leaves it there, stroking slowly. “Yeah, have to go out and prevent all of Draia from being taken over by giants,” he says.  
  
Hongbin rewards him with another kiss, slightly higher on his neck. “And I’ll miss you terribly,” he says, all earnest, “but I’ll have a reward for you when you get home.”  
  
“Oh?” Wonshik asks, managing to sound only mildly interested. “Is that so?”  
  
“It is,” Hongbin replies. He presses a (chaste) kiss to Wonshik’s lips and adds, “But you’ll just have to wait and see.”  
  
Wonshik groans and leans in for one last kiss, which turns into two, and then three, and Hongbin almost forgets that Wonshik is supposed to be leaving. But when he remembers he plants his hands on Wonshik’s firm chest and pushes lightly and they part, both panting slightly and flushed but smiling.  
  
“Love you,” Wonshik mumbles, stroking his fingers through Hongbin’s hair and dropping a kiss to his cheek.  
  
“Love you too,” Hongbin replies, and he can feel the smile that stretches his face unnaturally wide.  
  
Wonshik’s tongue dips briefly into the deep dimple on one side of Hongbin’s face and he mutters, “Cute.”  
  
It’s Hongbin’s turn to flush bright red. He smacks Wonshik’s arm and admonishes, “Go to work, you. There’s monsters to kill and asses to save and all of Draia to protect.”  
  
Laughing, Wonshik finally dons his hat and turns to go, but at the last second he whirls back for one last kiss, giving Hongbin a saucy wink as he ducks out the door.  
  
Exasperated, Hongbin stands staring at the empty doorway for a moment before he realizes that he just had that entire conversation without any pants on.  
  
\---  
  
 _“Whatcha doing?”_ Wonshik’s voice asks in his head. His tone is playful and lilting; it makes Hongbin smile.  
  
 _“Life essence,”_ he replies. He’s been sitting at the silver deposit for the last hour, and frankly he’s surprised that Wonshik hasn’t spoken to him before now. _“What about you?”_  
  
 _“Jongin got tired and wanted to take a break,”_ Wonshik replies with a snort. _“Honestly, he’s not the one who’s been out for over a month, the lazy bum.”_  
  
Hongbin doesn’t miss the fact that _he’s_ the reason Wonshik hasn’t been fighting beside his friends, but he doesn’t mention it. Instead he says, _“So nothing new, then?”_  
  
It makes Wonshik laugh, which is what he’d hoped. But then he quiets and with his mental voice a bare whisper against Hongbin’s consciousness he says, _“Vias, I miss you. It’s so weird not being beside you all the time.”_  
  
 _“I know,”_ Hongbin says softly. _“I miss you too. But we gotta work, right?”_ His pickaxe loosens another bit of silver and he adds it to his pack. It’s weird, to miss someone so keenly and yet still be able to work as if nothing is wrong. Part of him wants to get up and go searching for Wonshik, but he stays.  
  
 _“Right,”_ Wonshik replies. _“Gotta make money so I can buy you more expensive things.”_ The teasing is obvious.  
  
 _“Asshole,”_ Hongbin says, but there’s no bite to his words. There’s a swell of affection in his chest that’s currently overriding the usual twisty, tangled ball of emotions. It’s nice. _“You’ve already gotten me plenty.”_  
  
 _“Not enough,”_ Wonshik shoots back. _“But speaking of, are you wearing it?”_  
  
Hongbin doesn’t know why that makes him blush and duck his head. The gold circlet shifts on his head and to Wonshik he mumbles, _“Yeah, I’m wearing it.”_  
  
He imagines Wonshik is nodding when he says, _“Good. I like to think of you wearing my stuff.”_  
  
That just makes Hongbin blush more. _“Shut up,”_ he scolds. _“Shouldn’t you be killing things?”_  
  
Wonshik is laughing at him. _“Fine, fine,”_ he says. _“I’ll talk to you later, yeah?”_  
  
 _“Yeah,”_ Hongbin replies. He can’t help the soft smile that takes over his face. _“Love you.”_  
  
 _“Love you too,”_ Wonshik whispers. He sends a rush of strong affection that makes Hongbin freeze for a moment, just basking in the emotions. It’s lovely, and for a moment he can imagine never feeling sad or hopeless or like he wants to die again.  
  
He knows it won’t last, but the feeling is nice just the same.  
  
\---  
  
The marsh seems especially dark and deserted today. Hongbin feels like the twisty ball in his chest matches the atmosphere around him and thinks that’s probably not good.  
  
 _“So this asshole is like, ‘bitch, stop summoning gargoyles in the middle of the city,’ and I’m like, ‘bitch, I’ll do what I want,’”_ Jaehwan is saying. Hongbin is never sure what is going on in Jaehwan’s head.  
  
 _“And he threatened to report you to the authorities?”_ Taekwoon guesses, his mental voice thick with wry amusement.  
  
Jaehwan projects an offended snort, saying, _“He did nothing of the sort. I was perfectly in the right. The law only applies to highly populated areas, and this was not at the time.”_  
  
Hongbin would usually tune out of a conversation like this, but ever since he killed himself they’re prone to checking up on him at random intervals and he doesn’t want to miss it and send them into a panic. So he keeps half his awareness on their prattling and continues picking sunflowers while he lets his mind wander.  
  
It’s been…two months since Wonshik brought him back from the underworld? And things are getting better, they _are_. Hongbin has been trying to untangle the twisty emotions, to want to live. He works now, takes jobs and makes money and _enjoys_ his work. And he has Wonshik, who is endlessly patient, who loves him, who’s always there to talk. So why is he still like this?  
  
His chest is tight and tears prick at the backs of his eyes and Hongbin’s honestly not sure why. He doesn’t have anything to be sad about. He doesn’t have a reason to feel completely hopeless. But everything still seems pointless, everything he’s worked for the past…three centuries? He doesn’t know why he’s here.  
  
‘Wonshik,’ he reminds himself fiercely. ‘I’m here because I love Wonshik and don’t want to hurt him, or Hakyeon or Taekwoon or Jaehwan or Sanghyuk or any of my other friends. I’m living because they love me.’  
  
It helps, some. He breathes deeply and fights back the tears and wills himself to stop feeling this way. Why is it like this?  
  
 _“You okay?”_ Wonshik’s voice asks softly in his head. A hand is set on Hongbin’s arm and he looks to see Ravi sitting beside him, his face twisted in concern.  
  
He’s not Wonshik, but Hongbin knows Wonshik is in there, that the man he loves was concerned for him and probably stopped Ravi in the middle of a project or a supply run in order to comfort him. “No,” Hongbin sobs out, and he’s surprised at the brokenness of his own voice, “I’m not okay. I’m…I’m sorry; I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”  
  
Somehow Hongbin ends up in Ravi’s arms, crying into his shoulder. He doesn’t fit, exactly, sitting between Ravi’s legs the way he’s often done with Wonshik. Ravi is too short for it to really be comfortable. But Hongbin doesn’t care, because he doesn’t feel the height difference, he just feels the warmth of Ravi’s embrace and knows that it’s Wonshik comforting him.  
  
Before he’s even cried himself out there are other arms, taking him from Ravi and pulling him against a firm, familiar chest. Wonshik runs his fingers through Hongbin’s hair and whispers soft assurances to him and lets him cry.  
  
After a little while, when Hongbin’s sobs have faded to soft hiccups, Wonshik lifts his face and gently wipes the tears from his cheeks. He doesn’t ask; he just waits.  
  
“I don’t make any sense,” Hongbin informs him. “All this stuff going for me and I’m still unhappy. I don’t know why I’m like this.”  
  
Wonshik smiles at him, but Hongbin can still see the pain and concern in his eyes. “I don’t know either,” he admits. “But if it helps, you don’t have to do it alone. I’m still here. I _will_ still be here, unless you ask me to leave.”  
  
“I’m not worth this,” Hongbin whispers. All he’s really done is hurt Wonshik. He wasn’t going to say anything about his feelings because he knew it would make all of this hurt more, but he’s done it anyway and now he can’t take it back. Most days he doesn’t want to, but today he would give anything to exempt Wonshik from watching him fall apart again.  
  
“Unicorn dung,” Wonshik swears. “You are. This last month…Vias, Hongbin, I’ve never been so happy. I _love_ you. Being with you makes me happier than anything else. So you come with a few struggles and obstacles to overcome. So what? Everyone has those, and I’d die a thousand times just to be with you for another day.” He punctuates this statement with a quick, firm kiss.  
  
Feeling like he wants to cry all over again, Hongbin wraps his fingers around Wonshik’s hands, still cupping Hongbin’s face gently. “Sometimes I wonder,” Hongbin murmurs, “if this is all a dream, and if someday I’ll wake and I’ll be back where I started, and I won’t even know your face. I mean, how could anything so good have resulted from the stupid, selfish thing I did? I _killed myself_ , and when I woke, you were there. Who’s to say it wasn’t a fever dream? That I’m not still in the underworld overdosed on poison toadstools?”  
  
“I will,” Wonshik responds at once. “I’ll tell you a hundred thousand times with my mouth, with my hands, with my heart, until you believe me. I’m not leaving, Hongbin. I’m not going to disappear.”  
  
“You feel too good to be true,” Hongbin says, but he leans in for another kiss, wraps his hands against the sides of Wonshik’s neck and tucks his fingers into Wonshik’s long hair and just…lets himself feel. He luxuriates in the warm press of their mouths, the scratch of his day-old stubble against Wonshik’s elven-smooth skin. Wonshik’s tongue presses into his mouth and Hongbin sucks on it, lets it explore and thinks of all the times they’ve done this before.  
  
Wonshik runs his hands through Hongbin’s hair and down his broad back. His cloak and two layers of clothing are in the way, but Wonshik presses more firmly at the dip of Hongbin’s lower back and just holds him there.  
  
Hongbin pulls back for breath, his chest heaving, and forces out, “I can’t promise the same, you know.”  
  
His lips still only a hair’s-breadth from Hongbin’s, Wonshik responds, “I know. But someday you will. That’s enough for now.”  
  
Hongbin isn’t so certain, but if Wonshik believes it then Hongbin will allow himself to hope as well.  
  
\---  
  
Wonshik’s skin is smooth and soft, nearly unblemished in spite of the number of times he’s been injured or killed. The benefits of healing magic, Hongbin supposes. He’s had his hands all over this skin, has mapped it with tongue and lips, has felt it over and beneath him as they made love. In every way that Hongbin can measure, Wonshik is perfect.  
  
And Hongbin is not worthy of him.  
  
He wishes that he could be. He wishes that he didn’t have this dark tangle of emotions inside him. He wishes that he could be all the things that Wonshik needs. Because he lays here in this bed and he runs his hands over Wonshik’s perfect skin and listens to him snore and knows that he will never measure up to this amazing, wonderful man.  
  
Pressing a kiss to the tip of one pointed ear, Hongbin slips from the bed, pulls on pants and shirt and boots, and steps out onto the cobblestone streets of White Stone City. He doesn’t usually walk around like this, but he feels like he’d suffocate if he tried to put on doublet and cloak and hat right now. He leaves it all behind, in HQ where it will be safe, and he starts walking.  
  
He doesn’t know where he’s going until he finds himself on the boat to Desert Pines, and then it just feels like a foregone conclusion. Of course he’s going to the temple. Where else would he search for solace, other than his lover’s embrace? Clearly in the arms of his god.  
  
Romira greets him warmly when Hongbin steps into the main room of the temple. He returns the greeting, but he has eyes only for the far corner, where a small pile of wilting mushrooms sits. He crouches, reaches out to touch them, thinks better of it.  
  
“Hongbin, are you…alright?” Romira asks. She has a soft voice, a gentle spirit. As always, she has a stew bubbling over the fire. It smells lovely.  
  
Hongbin doesn’t know how to answer her question. The hopelessness claws at his throat and chokes him until he’s unable to speak. Pressure rises in his chest and his eyes fill. He wants to tell her that he’s fine, even if it’s a lie, but he can’t get the words out.  
  
“What happened the last time you were here…I do not wish for it to happen again. Elandria does not wish it. Please, Hongbin, get up. Have some stew.” She tugs gently at his arm until he rises.  
  
Hongbin chokes down a sob. He wants to tell her that it’s the middle of the night. He wants to ask why she’s up making stew at this hour. He wishes this were purely a social call, that he wasn’t here because he no longer wants to exist.  
  
She sits him down at a desk and sets a steaming bowl before him. “Eat,” she orders, not unkindly. “You’ll feel better once your belly is full.”  
  
It is so far from being a solution to his problems, but he does as she asks, picking up the spoon and scooping up a mouthful. He doesn’t pause to let it cool, but doesn’t even feel it scalding all the way through his mouth and throat. It settles, hot and hard, into the pit of his belly and stays there.  
  
He wants Wonshik. He wants to stop existing. He wants to go to sleep.  
  
He eats the whole bowl of stew, cleans the bottom with a piece of bread that she gives him, and thanks her hoarsely. He’s on the verge of tears and doesn’t want to cry in front of her. “I’d like to pray for a while, if you don’t mind,” he tells her, and she gives him space.  
  
Settling on the floor amongst the flowers, he forces himself to breathe. Inhale for three heartbeats, pause for two, and then exhale for five and begin again. He falls into a meditative state and stays there for he knows not how long.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So this is the last chapter, though there is a short epilogue that comes after. I think I'll post that on Thursday, since I won't be updating error!au this week. There's a lot of drama here, and a pretty graphic depiction of suicide, but there is finally resolution. Hongbin does start to heal, I promise. Enjoy!

He’s beginning to lose count of the number of times he’s woken to Wonshik’s frantic voice.  
  
 _“Fucking underworld, Hongbin, I warned you what I’d do if you died on me again,”_ he shouts. Even his mental voice is ragged, broken.  
  
 _“Wonshik?”_ Hongbin replies, trying to tamp down the instant worry and distress Wonshik’s words cause. _“What time is it?”_  
  
 _“What time—“_ Wonshik splutters, followed by a string of uncharacteristic curses. Hongbin didn’t even know it was possible to do such a thing with an ogre. _“It’s fucking **midday**. I woke up this morning and you were just **gone.** You haven’t responded when I called you, I’ve had Ravi running all over Draia looking for you, and I contacted everyone I know has even spoken to you. And there was **nothing** , Hongbin. No fucking sign of you anywhere. And you know what happened the last time I couldn’t find you?”_  
  
Hongbin knows. He knows how unforgivable this is. But still he has to try to explain, because he owes Wonshik that, at least. _“I’m at the temple of Elandria,”_ he responds in a guilty whisper. _“I’m sorry. I was meditating and blocked everyone out by accident. I only…I only came to clear my head. I never meant to stay so long.”_  
  
Wonshik projects a heavy sigh, and then to the guild at large, apparently, says, _“I found him. He was being an idiot, but he’s fine. Thanks, guys.”_  
  
There’s a series of relieved grumbles, and promises that they’ll all be checking in with them at HQ later. Hongbin doesn’t blame them.  
  
 _“I’m sorry,”_ he tells Wonshik again. _“I never meant to scare you.”_  
  
 _“No,”_ Wonshik replies shortly, _“you never do.”_  
  
\---  
  
Wonshik doesn’t say anything more to him, but he’s waiting by the boat to White Stone when Hongbin reaches the docks. The sight of him removes a weight Hongbin didn’t realize he was carrying on his shoulders. He had half-expected Wonshik to disappear, to wash his hands of Hongbin and all the horrible things he’s done.  
  
It’s amazing how large and imposing such a slight figure can seem, as Wonshik stands stiffly while Hongbin draws even with him. He looks down his nose at Hongbin and says, “I told you that if you ever did this to me again I would walk out, that I wouldn’t stand for being treated this way.”  
  
Hongbin’s swallow is like shards of glass sliding down his throat.  
  
“But,” Wonshik continues, “I also believe you when you say it was an accident. You didn’t do it with the intention of hurting me and you didn’t hurt yourself. So I’ll forgive you, this time.”  
  
Letting out a relieved breath, Hongbin feels his shoulders slump. He wants Wonshik to hold him but doesn’t know if he deserves that right now.  
  
“Fuck, Hongbin, leave a note next time,” Wonshik chastises, and then he reaches out and gathers Hongbin in, wraps them together until it feels like they’re one. He whispers, “I thought I’d lost you,” and Hongbin feels his heart break.  
  
Never again. He will not do this to Wonshik ever again.  
  
\---  
  
 _“Taekwoon,”_ Hongbin whispers in his head, in the stillness of night while Wonshik slumbers beside him. They’re both clothed tonight. In spite of his words, Wonshik is still angry.  
  
 _“Hongbin?”_ Taekwoon asks quietly. _“What’s wrong?”_ It’s been only hours since Taekwoon was in HQ, so it’s a fair question. Hongbin _could_ have talked to him then. But then the others might have heard and this is not a conversation he wants anyone to know about just yet.  
  
 _“I need you to do something for me,”_ Hongbin murmurs. He strokes the tip of one pointed ear, presses a kiss to it because in sleep Wonshik will not stop him.  
  
A concerned hum, and Taekwoon queries, _“What is it?”_  
  
Hongbin feels a sob building and forces it back. He drops a kiss to Wonshik’s temple, light and gentle so he won’t wake, and says, _“I need you to tell Wonshik that I’m alright, but not tell him where I am.”_  
  
 _“Hongbin, what—“_  
  
 _“Please, Taekwoon. I’ll keep in touch with you, but I…I can’t do this anymore.”_ Wonshik’s eyelids flutter and he lets out a soft groan. Hongbin hushes him gently, runs his fingers through Wonshik’s hair until he quiets.  
  
Hongbin can almost see Taekwoon’s headshake. _“He’ll want to look for you,”_ he says.  
  
 _“Stop him,”_ Hongbin begs. _“Tell him I don’t love him anymore if you have to, just please, stop him.”_  
  
 _“Fine.”_  
  
 _“Thank you,”_ Hongbin breathes.  
  
Wonshik will live on.  
  
\---  
  
Wonshik wakes shivering. Judging by the still silence of the room, the fire’s gone out and his bedmate is missing. “Kong,” he groans, “come back to bed.”  
  
There’s no answer.  
  
Wonshik opens his eyes, takes in the small room and its distinct lack of his lover and calls out mentally instead. _“Where did you go? It’s so early.”_  
  
Still there’s no response, and that’s when Wonshik begins to panic. ‘Not again,’ he thinks. ‘I just got him back. Please, Aluwen, not again.’  
  
He’s halfway up, halfway dressed and calling Ravi to arms and ready to start contacting everyone he knows for the second time in as many days when Taekwoon strides through the door.  
  
He’s as majestic as always, fine black tunic over an emerald green shirt, wearing a white cloak with the matching hood still up over his dark hair and the horns that stick up slightly from his head. He runs his eyes over Wonshik and clearly notes his disheveled appearance and his unveiled panic, and then he says, “He is well.”  
  
Wonshik lets out a breath of relief. “Thank Vias,” he sighs, sinking back down onto the edge of the bed. “Where is he?”  
  
Taekwoon stares at him a while, and Wonshik almost thinks he’s not going to answer when finally he says, “He asked me not to say.”  
  
Frustrated, Wonshik runs a hand through his hair. It’s a mess—one half still braided, the other half a wispy halo around his face—and at least that gives him something to focus on besides the revelation that Hongbin has left him. “Why?” he asks as he combs his fingers through the strands and begins a new braid. He’s not even sure what he’s asking: why doesn’t he want to see me? Why did he go to you? Why would he do this to me?  
  
“He does not wish to hurt you any longer, and he believes that he will, if he stays with you.” Taekwoon’s face is carefully blank.  
  
Fuck, this is his fault, isn’t it? “I just wanted him to think about what he was doing,” he whispers. “I wanted him to tell me that he was leaving instead of disappearing in the middle of the night and scaring the shit out of me. But that backfired, huh?” He waves around him at the empty bed.  
  
Taekwoon folds himself gracefully onto the single wooden chair. “Give him time,” he replies. “He did this to protect you, even to the extent of asking me to lie if it would stop you from searching for him. Perhaps this will help him to heal, and then he’ll return to you.”  
  
Wonshik gives him a wry smile. “Love is difficult to walk away from, isn’t it?”  
  
Taekwoon nods once, his eyes on the floor. “It is,” he replies, “which is why I told you the truth.”  
  
\---  
  
It’s cool and quiet here, and though Hongbin feels like he’s rattling apart, pressing himself against the solid stone wall helps. This place wasn’t his first choice, but he needed to be somewhere that Wonshik wouldn’t look, that he wouldn’t go for any normal reason. Hongbin can’t go back to the temple; not until he’s sure that Wonshik isn’t looking for him.  
  
 _“He’s crying, Hongbin,”_ Taekwoon informs him. He’s the only person Hongbin isn’t blocking out. He can’t take the clamor of concern and lectures from his friends, but he also doesn’t want them to think he’s done something to himself. _“He won’t get out of bed; he hasn’t moved in hours.”_  
  
Neither has Hongbin, but he won’t say that. _“I’m sorry,”_ he murmurs instead. _“Tell him that I’m sorry, but I just couldn’t do it anymore.”_  
  
 _“Tell him yourself,”_ Taekwoon responds. He’s not happy with Hongbin. Hongbin doesn’t blame him.  
  
\---  
  
The next day Wonshik gets out of bed, dries his tears, and goes to work like nothing happened. Jongin and Taemin don’t mention it, which is just as well. They know very few of the details of his relationship and they wouldn’t understand anyway. Wonshik’s not really sure _he_ understands, some days.  
  
Hongbin hasn’t spoken to him, not since two days ago when they went back to HQ together. Wonshik had been angry and he could tell even then that Hongbin was wracked with guilt. Maybe if he hadn’t been quite so harsh, Hongbin would have stayed.  
  
No, Hongbin left because he didn’t want to hurt Wonshik anymore. And Wonshik is glad that he’s aware of it at least, that he knows that his actions have an effect on someone other than himself. It’s no doubt why he’s still in touch with Taekwoon even though he’s blocked all the others out. He knows he’s hurting them and doesn’t want to.  
  
 _“Hongbin,”_ Wonshik can’t help but call as he suits up for another invasion, _“I love you. Please just come home.”_  
  
\---  
  
Hongbin hears Wonshik’s words echo through his head and feels the sob building before it comes gasping from his throat. He couldn’t help himself—he’s so used to Wonshik’s presence in his life, in his head, that he couldn’t bear to block him for long. But now he has to listen to Wonshik pleading for him to come back and know that unless he can banish the darkness inside him, he can’t return.  
  
“Don’t wait for me,” he whispers, imagining saying it to Wonshik but careful not to project it. “Don’t wait for a love that will only hurt you.”  
  
Hongbin has to stay conscious most of the day (and some of the night as well) in order to assure the others that he’s fine, but he still has plenty of time for meditation here, and Taekwoon knows where to find him if he needs to. Hongbin lets himself fall into the familiar pattern of breaths, lets the tears slip down his face unheeded, and lets go.  
  
\---  
  
“Let’s do another,” Wonshik suggests. He’s panting heavily from exertion and there’s a sheen of sweat drying sticky between his clothes and his skin, but he barely feels it. There are tears threatening behind his eyes and he needs the distraction.  
  
“Dude, calm down,” Taemin complains, dropping to the ground to rest. He tosses his blood-stained rapier onto the grass beside his knees, apparently uncaring. “You’ve been going nonstop for three days. What’s wrong?”  
  
Wonshik shakes his head. “Nothing’s wrong.”  
  
“Nothing, really?” Jongin asks, collapsing next to Taemin. He chugs a potion of spirit restoration and then waves his hand idly, healing Taemin of his injuries from the last battle. “Because you haven’t been all gross and cooing over Hongbin, and you haven’t run home to his sweet ass every night like usual.”  
  
“And this is after you disappeared again for two days,” Taemin adds.  
  
They won’t get it. He knows they won’t get it because the whole guild has been carefully hiding the truth of Hongbin’s mysterious absence. But maybe it’s time he tells _someone_ , someone who didn’t live through that pain with him. So he takes a deep breath and admits, “He left me.”  
  
“What, why?” Jongin asks, raising an eyebrow. “You two seemed happy.”  
  
“We were,” Wonshik agrees. “At least, I think we were. He left because he doesn’t want to hurt me again.”  
  
They both blink. If Wonshik didn’t know better, he’d think these two were alts. “What do you mean, ‘again’?” Taemin asks.  
  
“I mean,” Wonshik sighs, “that a couple months back, when I was gone for a while, that was because he killed himself. Ate poison toadstools until he ended up in the underworld and then just…kept eating them because he didn’t want to live anymore.”  
  
Slowly, the whole story comes out. Wonshik can still clearly recall the panic and the bone-shaking terror that he felt, the guilt that he hadn’t seen it and stopped it in time. He feels some of those emotions start to dredge themselves up, to grip at him again as he realizes that Hongbin could be doing the same thing right now and Wonshik would never know, because somewhere along the way, in the process of protecting himself from those feelings he somehow made Hongbin think that his own were wrong or invalid or unimportant.  
  
 _“I’m sorry, Kong,”_ he projects. _“I needed to protect myself but I never meant to imply that my feelings were more important than yours. I **love** you. I want you to have what you need to get better.”_  
  
He doesn’t expect an answer, so he’s surprised to get one, in a tremulous voice that breaks his heart. _“I’m not sure I **can** get better.”_  
  
Wonshik doesn’t believe that, but he’s heard Hongbin say it enough times to know that he does. He doesn’t try to refute it, only asks, _“What do you need, then?”_  
  
Hongbin’s response is swift and painful but entirely truthful too. _“I need to die.”_  
  
Wonshik takes a deep breath. He’s already up and headed for storage to get an IP ring, ignoring his friends as they call out behind him. _“Then do it,”_ he says. _“But come back to me after. I’ll be waiting.”_  
  
\---  
  
Hongbin’s surprised at the relief that comes with Wonshik’s words. Suddenly he has permission to dig the twisted darkness out of himself.  
  
He has permission to take the knife he’s been holding since he got here and dig the point into his flesh, to drag it up the length of his forearm and watch the blood spurt out, crimson against the grey stone that surrounds him. He has enough experience with injuries to know that it’ll be a quick death, that there’s no bouncing back from this.  
  
He barely feels the pain as the blackness comes to claim him.  
  
\---  
  
Wonshik waits, barely concealing his fear and impatience as he stands at the beam, waiting for Hongbin to appear. He prays to every god who will listen that Hongbin _will_ appear, that he won’t stay in the underworld forever.  
  
But then there’s a flash of light and a familiar mop of wispy brown hair and Wonshik launches himself forward, pulling Hongbin into his arms. He can’t even speak for the rush of relief that floods over him.  
  
“I’ve never seen you in full uniform before,” Hongbin teases, rapping lightly at Wonshik’s red dragon helm. It’s so achingly _normal_ that Wonshik wants to cry. Hongbin just _killed himself_ minutes ago, and he’s already making jokes.  
  
Wonshik drags the helmet off so he has room to kiss Hongbin, rough and wet and desperate. Wonshik is wearing heavy armor and Hongbin is in only one layer of clothing, and he shivers as their chests press together, but he doesn’t let go. Their hands grip tight around one another and it takes them quite a while to part. When they do, Wonshik has a question he doesn’t want to ask but needs to know the answer to. “This isn’t going to be the last time, is it?”  
  
Hongbin softens, his eyes regretful and wet. There are, now that Wonshik is looking, specks of blood dotting his face, and when Wonshik slides his hands down Hongbin’s arms he can feel the raised scars, just beginning to heal over. “No,” Hongbin says, “it’s probably not.”  
  
Wonshik has a choice just then: to protect himself by leaving, by walking away and not looking back; or to stay, to accept Hongbin as he is, with the darkness in his heart and the pain that he causes Wonshik, because he also makes Wonshik happier than anyone or anything ever has.  
  
“You have to tell me,” Wonshik chokes out. He’s always known his answer, has known it practically since he met Hongbin. “No more disappearing without a word. You tell me so that I can wait for you, so you don’t have to do it alone. And when it’s over, when you can breathe again, you come back to me.”  
  
Hongbin nods breathlessly, and presses his face to Wonshik’s neck. “I will,” he vows.


	7. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I know I said that I would post this yesterday. In my defense, I was really sick and could barely see straight. This is the happy ending that I've been promising since all of this started. I just want to thank all of you for sticking with me throughout this story, and for all the lovely comments and kudos you've given me. Please enjoy!

Hongbin lays awake in the darkness of night, listening to the fire crackling and his lover breathing soft and even beside him. It’s been months since he last felt this way, since the ball of emotions last twisted so tightly it was difficult to breathe. He’s been well, happy even, living and working at Wonshik’s side.  
  
Tonight, though, he feels ready to crawl out of his skin, like every part of him is just _wrong_. It feels like if he stays beneath these sheets for a moment longer he’ll suffocate. So he slips out of bed, stopping to press a lingering kiss to one bare, tanned shoulder. Wonshik doesn’t wake, but Hongbin leaves a note, scrawled hastily as he pulls on pants and a light shirt. He foregoes his doublet—he’s unlikely to need it tonight.  
  
Leaving the house quietly, he steps onto the lamp-lit cobblestone street. Home is no longer HQ, but a small house in Portland, close to the docks. It was time they had a place of their own.  
  
And Hongbin is glad of it. He breathes in the sea air and a little of his pain and exhaustion float away on the breeze. The twist of emotions in his chest is harder to remedy, but he’s practiced in this now.  
  
Another benefit of living so near the docks is that the boat to Desert Pines is only a few steps away, and Hongbin boards it gratefully. The creak and groan of wood and the gentle rocking of the waves only serve to calm him further. He lets them lull him as the boat travels steadily onwards.  
  
At last they reach the dock in Corren Village, and Hongbin disembarks as soon as he can. It feels as though his whole body is ready to rattle apart, and he hugs his arms tightly to himself as he strides through the village and into the woods.  
  
The old tree still stands, and Hongbin goes through the door, up the ladder, and is greeted by the familiar sight of Elandria’s temple. Romira is not here, which is just as well. Hongbin’s not in the mood for talking. Instead he sinks down onto the floor amidst the flowers and allows his breathing to deepen and the world to fall away.  
  
\---  
  
“Kong?”  
  
Hongbin startles awake to see Wonshik’s smiling face hovering above him. The swell of his cheeks scrunches up his eyes and his lips are parted to showcase a row of perfectly straight white teeth. Hongbin is absolutely smitten. “Hey,” he murmurs. “You got my note?”  
  
Wonshik snorts (and damn him but even his derision is attractive) and holds up a scrap of paper. “Well, all it says is, ‘I’m going to…Elandria, where are my pants?’ but I think I got the idea.” He pockets it and reaches out to help Hongbin up.  
  
“Sorry,” Hongbin replies, his face flaming. “I wasn’t…well.”  
  
“I’d guessed that, from the way you’ve been acting lately,” Wonshik admits. He pulls Hongbin close for a tight hug and a quick kiss. He presses his forehead to Hongbin’s and whispers, “It’s getting better, isn’t it? This is the first time in months, and you didn’t even….”  
  
Hongbin nods a little, rubbing their heads together. “It is.”  
  
“I’m glad,” Wonshik breathes, kissing him again.  
  
They get lost in kisses, reveling in each other’s company even after all this time. The warmth of Wonshik’s body is a welcome one, after the coolness of the room has seeped into Hongbin’s bones. And Wonshik, in turn, seems to be determined to map out Hongbin’s body with his hands yet again, to assure himself that everything is as it should be.  
  
Unfortunately, they’re interrupted by Hakyeon’s voice in both their heads. _“Guys, I have an **alternate**! His name is N and he’s **draegoni**.”_  
  
“Vias, how did that happen,” Hongbin mutters, dropping his forehead to Wonshik’s shoulder. “And what kind of name is ‘N’?”  
  
Wonshik shrugs, jostling Hongbin, who whines pitifully. “Who knows,” he says. “Let’s just hope this means he’ll finally get together with Taekwoon instead of just being insufferable.”  
  
“He’ll still be insufferable,” Hongbin groans.  
  
“But he’ll also be happy,” Wonshik points out.  
  
Hongbin rolls his head to the side to look up at Wonshik through his eyelashes. “Guess I can’t begrudge him that.”  
  
Smiling, Wonshik drops another kiss to Hongbin’s mouth. “Nope, guess we can’t,” he agrees.  
  
After all, everyone should have what they’ve got.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed it, please leave me kudos and comments, or come harass me on [Tumblr](http://phantomflutist.tumblr.com/) or [Twitter](https://twitter.com/PhantomFlutist).


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